Green
by RadHadder
Summary: Warnings: Eating Disorders, Rape, Self Harm, and Domestic Abuse. He didn't expect to ever see him again, he didn't expect to get saved again.
1. Green

**You have to get lost before you can be found; you have to be hurt before you can get better.**

* * *

Kurt's POV

I remember when it started. It was in 6th grade behind the bleachers, it was hot right? Yes, it was hot. Really it was my fault, I shouldn't have been out there… no, I never listen. So I didn't see them coming, I didn't expect them to do what they did but I didn't stop them… horny teenage kids right? What could I do… nothing.

I stood there while they took off my clothes, a look of so much disgust, but not in them, in myself. They were right, I'm a slut. I lost my virginity outside a courtyard when I was 11 years old.

I kept my mouth shut; they said who would listen to me… I was a kid, they did me a favor. It hurt like nothing I had ever felt. Like my body was ripping in half as they both took their time inside me. I'm disgusting.

I didn't know their names; to be honest I don't remember their faces. But that voice….. I will always remember that voice. "Take it you faggot, you know you like that!" It still haunted me. I still dreamed of the endless pain they inflicted on me when it happened.

So _he_ came. He came up the hill to the basketball court with a smile on his face. Laughter. I remember his laugh, I do. I remember thinking he was one of them, I bit my lip hard producing blood on the surface. His laughter continued until he saw me. He leaned his head over and looked at me for a while. He made no move, so I took that initiative myself. Slowly I took the last bit of strength I had to move back slowly.

He moved forward, so I moved back again. "I'm not going to hurt you." He whispered, I'm honestly surprised I heard him. Any other time I would not have believed him, but I didn't have the will power to argue. They broke me, and I wasn't ready to fix myself.

He walked closer to me kneeling down a foot away from me. I closed my eyes tight, too scared to open them. Warmness surrounded me and I was lifted from the ground, nothing but ripped underwear on. I fell asleep before he got down the hill.

* * *

1 year later the beating started. Purple and blue bruises covered my body like a canvas with a finished painting. He was always there. I never quite knew when he took me or how he got there. I always fell asleep, and I would always wake up cleaned up and on his bed. He would smile at me, he would right? I think, maybe he frowned… no, he smiled. He always smiled. He would have hot chocolate at his bedside for me, with extra marshmallows because he knew I liked them.

After my mom died, my dad took up most of his time at his shop trying to pay the bills. He noticed the bruises twice. So I made excuses, I deserved what they were doing to me. He dropped it, but I know he never believed me. He was drained, we both were.

_He_ would walk over to me, that stupid smile still on his face. He would wrap his arms around me and tell me about his day. Anything to get me out of my own head.

2 years after that we started high school. January 3rd. it changed after that date, and I never forgot it. For one it was the first time I had seen his eyes; he wore his hair over his eyes since as long as I had known him. However when I saw him next he had it cut. They were green. I was sure then, and still am.

That was out first time. His parents were out as usual and we didn't know what we were doing. At 14 you feel like you know everything, maybe you do. But I didn't know what he would pull after. Clothes were shredded to the floor and all I could focus on were those beautiful green eyes. "You scared?" He smirked at me but it was a question met to be answered.

"No."

That was when he left. After that he moved to Paris and I never saw him again. That is until today.

* * *

I sat at the furthest table in the corner of the lima bean. A still completely full glass of coffee sat in front of me and it wasn't going to be drunk. I did this all the time; I tortured myself with this. I can't drink it, I have already disappointed him.

My phone buzzed harshly in my pocket and I shuddered against the sudden movement. I reached down to reach for my phone looking at the caller ID.

**From Blaine**

**Text: Where the hell are you? Get you…. 5:67**

I sighed and stood sliding open to message to read the rest of the text. Moving slowly toward the door to afraid to go fast for the possibility of falling. I was tired, and I found myself using the large sweater against my boney arms as a pillow. I needed food, I needed sleep. But I don't deserve it.

My movements however stopped when I bumped into the person standing in my way. I tumbled to the ground as well as my phone and the other customer's flash drive. "s-s-sorry. I'm so sorry." I wanted to cry, I wanted to cry so bad. I stood as quickly as I could, extending my arm and handing the man the flash drive. "I'm so stupid, sorry." He takes it from me and I look up quickly to apologize one more time. We both stopped what we were doing.

They were green, and they were so prefect. "Sorry." I said quickly. It wasn't him, it couldn't be. I left and I didn't look back at the guy. It simply couldn't be.

* * *

I stood before Blaine looking down at my feet, hands behind my back.

"You eat today?" He asked.

I nodded slightly. "Yes sir."

"You're pathetic." He spat.

I know.

I stood in silence, it was not to be argued with, he called it, I listened.

"Isn't that right Kurt?"

My breath hitched. "Yes sir."

Blaine shook his head. "Go ahead."

I turned towards the bathroom, my face still pointed toward the floor. I pulled of my shirt and then followed with my pants. I leaned over the toilet, I brought up my index and middle fingers sticking them down my throat. It took a while but inevitably it came up and I emptied today's contents into the toilet in front of me.

I felt a hard grip wrap around my neck and my eyes snapped open before slowly closing again. "What do you say?"

"Thank you sir."

"Good boy." He smiles wasting no time inserting himself into me, dry. It hurt, but I deserved it, Blaine loved me, he was helping.

I bit my lip, shuttering and once again connecting my hands behind me. "Thank you."

* * *

**Okay, so this is going to be a well-planned out story. I usually make every chapter up as I get to it, but I already have up to chapter 4 planned out already. ** **Feel free to point out any grammatical mistakes and I will immediately fix them. Feel free to review and follow, it truly means a lot, and I will see you all soon.**

**Also, this story will be easily triggered so… heads up!**

**Adios-Radhadder**


	2. Black and Blue

(Kurt's POV)

My eyes fluttered open as the light painfully made its way through my eye lids. My body hurt like hell, and moving was the last thing I wanted to be doing; even thinking about it was painful. I moved my hand from off my thigh and instantly regretted it as a searing pain shot up my leg. "That'll be a bruise." I thought to myself.

It took me a minute to realize where I was and what happened last night. Oh yeah. I painfully turned to see Blaine dressing himself. He stopped in his tracks when he realized I was looking at him. "Problem?" He says bitterly; I turn back to laying on my side sinking further into the sheets. "No sir." I say lowly.

I was left alone to gently fall back asleep again before feeling something hard against my rib cage. "Get up." I head a whisper through gritted teeth and I didn't think twice before jumping out of my bed and rushing to get dressed.

I was just about to pull my top on before Blaine stopped me. "Look at yourself." He said with a smile on his face pointing my face toward a mirror set in front of Blaine's wall. "You're a fat… ugly… slut."

I shuttered at his words. "Sorry sir."

His hands came to my butt slapping it roughly and pulling back on my underwear making me stumble a little. "I am the only one who will ever love you, you know that right?"

"Yes sir."

"So stop disappointing me."

I looked at him with confusion written over my face. How did I stop disappointing him, I am the definition of a fuck up, I don't deserve him. "You will meet someone tonight that will help you with your little problem understood?" I nodded slightly. "Understood?"

"Yes sir." I bite my lip before turning around dropping to my knees for my punishment.

"No punishment right now. Get dressed."

* * *

The car stopped in front of some place named scandals. It was rusty and looked as if it was breaking many state health guide lines. "Get out of the car." Blaine commanded sternly, and I followed his orders without hesitation; stepping out of the car and taking the hand held out for me. This is the Blaine I loved and I only got to see him every so often. He smiled and turned to kiss me on the lips quickly. "I love you, you know that."

"I love you too." I smiled leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder walking into the bar.

We didn't even need to bring fake ID's because the worker at the front put no effort into seeing if they were legit or not. We could have brought our middle school ID and it would work just the same.

"This him?" Blaine turns to see who was talking to us. He was big, built like a body builder and too old to be a friend of Blaine's.

"In the flesh" Blaine smiles.

The man whose name is still a mystery walks around the 2 of us in a circular motion. "I'll take him."

I lean over towards Blaine's ear, extremely confused. "What is going on?"

"Baby, don't worry about it. I left something in the car, ok. Jason is going to keep you company, I'll be back in a sec." He leans in again to peck me on the lips before walking out the door.

Silence filled the air with his disappearance, scratch that; awkward silence filled the air. Jason was not the kind of guy I usually found myself to get along with. "You mind joining me to the bathroom?" Jason says smugly, hands enveloped inside each other.

"Why?" Being the only logical question I could come up with. Something about this wasn't right, a blind man could see it.

"I leave you out here and the guys will eat you up alive. Blaine told me to look after you."

I frowned for a minute. "Blaine told you that?" He nods. "Yeah ok." I follow him towards the bathroom.

The bathroom smelled like old toe fungus, not that I knew what that smelled like; but I guess it would be something like this. The mirrors were too foggy to see anything other than bright colors, the stalls were not cleaned and urine covered the seats like a blanket.

Out of the two stalls Jason wasted no time occupying one. He walked into the larger one meant for the handy cap; though I don't really get why a handicap person would choose this scenery. I pulled out my phone; not really sure what I was supposed to be doing on it but I figure it would take away some time until Blaine came back.

Something flopped over my mouth before I felt myself being pulled back. Any normal person would scream, and I should have at that point… you know, put up a fight. But what was the point? I was too weak for anything. Blaine would be back. He would right? He would kill this guy for toughing me because he loves me. He said it himself.

"Scream and I'll strangle you." He spat out.

I nodded before closing my eyes. "Yes sir."

I felt my clothes being ripped off, first being my shirt. The buttons of studded dolce and cabana being flung around the room, his head coming down to suck my nipple. I rolled my head back moaning for his enjoyment only. Blaine taught me a long time ago that when I have sex my only job is to make sure that the other party feels good. His head came up again to suck hard on my neck. I leaned over to the opposite side to let him do it. _I'm disgusting._

Jason's hand came up to my side tugging roughly on my pants hem. I bit back a scream given that was a sore area from last night. His hand came up to my shoulder; pulling me down so I was on my knees. "Do your job slut."

I nodded silently before unzipping his pants and pulling them down along with his underwear. I wrapped my mouth around his already hard cock. My hand came up shortly after; placing them in front of my mouth. I moved slowly; _up and down, up and down, up and down._ Who doesn't like a tease right? His hands came to my hair, grabbing a large amount and forcing me to move faster. His dick was too much to handle and I choked every time he banged the head of his number against my throat. It was agony to say the least, Blaine may have done worst just last night but I knew Blaine. I knew what he was capable of and how to handle him. Jason was just… _big._ His body smothered my shrinking frame and I could not move him. "Blaine stop feeding you slut?" Jason asked, but it was not a question. It was an observation that I was supposed to agree with and leave.

He picked me up and hoisted me around so I was looking straight at him. He connected our lips; his tongue sloppily inserting into my mouth. "Take the pants off now."

I followed his instructions and looked back at him for another direction. I didn't expect for his fist to come in contact with my face or to be slammed against a wall. He took out his erection completely and turned me around pressing my face against the wall. "You want this don't you?"

_No. "_Yes sir."

He picked me up again setting me on the sink. My head violently hit the dirty mirror in front of it and I could feel myself losing consciousness but still completely awake. I wish I had fallen asleep though, I wish this would be a haunted memory for the rest of my life. Luckily Jason had lubed himself before inserting into me, and I am thankful because his dick was bigger than Blaine's.

He started roughly thrusting into me multiple times; his hand choked me lightly whole the other kept my body from falling of the sink. I threw my arms around his neck to keep myself balanced.

"Fuck." Jason cursed under his breath, but I couldn't really hear past the already so loud ringing in my ears. My eyes closed and I bit my tongue from letting out a painful scream. He picked up my legs throwing them over his shoulders and I tried to ignore the pain in my lower half due to the hard surface of the sink against my butt. Jason's eyes rolled back in his head with his mouth hung open; clearly in pleasure. I smiled to myself; _I was good at this, I was good at being someone's whore and it was the only thing I would ever be good at doing._

He was going to come any minute now and this would be over. I could find Blaine and try to forget this; try. Before he actually let go of his contents he surprised me by pulling out harshly making me yelp in surprise. "Get on your knees." He states pushing me over and I fell hard to the ground.

He came over my body in many places and I couldn't care less. I did my job, he enjoyed it. I would be ok.

He sealed the deal by spitting on. "You're a whore, that's all you will ever be." Zipping his pants and grabbing his shirt before leaving me.

"I know." Was the last thing I remember saying.

* * *

(Sebastian's POV)

Once again a stupid night, at a stupid club, with stupid fuck, who cannot give a well pleasured blow job to save their lives. "Can I buy you a drink?" I chuckled, whoever it was didn't have very much game.

"No, thank you." I was a nice guy… I could be at least. Besides, my thoughts were focused on what had happened the day before in that lower class coffee shop in Lima.

Kurt was there and the only thing I could really make sense of was the text message I wished I hadn't been nosey enough to read.

_**Where the hell are you? Get your fat ass over here or you will be sorry you didn't.**_

To say Kurt looked different would be an understatement. He had paled tremendously even for Kurt; he looked like he hadn't eaten in 7 months, not to mention he just flat out didn't look like the Kurt I had left almost four year ago. He was weak and brittle; like he could break at any moment. Though I could pretend I didn't care about a lot of things, Kurt wasn't one of those things.

Then again, I left him. He wasn't my problem anymore even if I would have stayed if I could.

"You sure? I'd love to occupy some of your time."

I chuckled. "You'd love to occupy my pants… excuse me I need to piss." I smirked before leaving and not looking back at the man. I was just teasing him more and I knew it was killing him, but I simply don't care in slightest.

I walked into the bathroom looking straight at my shoes when I did so. It reeked of post fucking in here and that was never a smell I was too fond of. It wasn't until I saw the pair of pants and black shirt on the floor that I turned around to see a slim form laying on the ground. "Someone had one too many." I smiled walking back to his clothes to pick them up for him. I threw them over his body and continued on to use the bathroom. "Blaine?"

My peeing stopped the instant I heard the high pitched voice of the male in the room beside me. Was that? No, it couldn't be. I finished peeing and zipped my pants before hesitantly walking out to see who the unlucky victim was on the floor. I kneeled and instantly wished I had not come back to Ohio. Wish I had never seen Kurt like this. My voice cracked. "Kurt?"

"Sebastian?" He was small and after the words came out he fell asleep again.

I pulled on his pants and couldn't help but notice the black and blue bruises scattered across his body. I threw him over my shoulder and made my way through the sad excuse for a club. When we finally made it to the car I opened the passenger door and carefully placed him in the seat; too afraid to cause any more damage to him.

I ran away to the driver's seat putting the key in the ignition and wasting no time to drive off.

"_What the hell happened to you?" _


	3. Hazel

Kurt's POV

Waking up should not have happened that morning. I felt like I was being beaten with a hammer in some sort of jigsaw trap and all I wanted to do was fall back a sleep, maybe forever.

"Drink this."

I groaned, whoever it was wasn't wasting anytime with annoying me. "Blaine, a couple more minutes."

Someone's hand held my chin tightly; my eyes popping open and meeting familiar green eyes. "Not Blaine."

"Sebastian?"

"Drink." He held up a glass full of a clear substance, water I'm guessing.

I nodded, taking the glass from him and drinking some of it. "Thank you." I sat up to evaluate my surroundings. "This is your house?" To say I was amazed would be an understatement. His bed was large and rounded sitting on top of flawless hardwood flooring. His room was fit for a king, and knowing Sebastian; that fit him well.

Sebastian shook his head picking up the glass. "You can ask questions later Hummel. What do you remember?"

"Nothing." Lie.

"You're lying."

I chuckled under my breath. "You left for 4 years Sebastian, don't come back and think you know me."

"I don't think I know you, I do know you. Some things don't change… Kurt." He sat gently in front of me on his bed, lifting his hand to touch my face. It took me a second to realize he was concentrating on a bruise.

I picked up his hand removing it from my face. "Where did you go? I mean, you could have at least told me you were going, and I came to school the next day and you weren't there. So uh, after school I went to your house and stood on your door step for 2 hours, and nobody ever came." I was rambling at this point, but it didn't truly matter because I just had so much to tell him. "And all of a sudden you just show up and I don't even know what you are doing here…"

"Kurt." His face was straight.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

My mouth snapped shut. "Sorry."

"Let's make a deal; I tell you my story, you tell me yours." I nod. "Well, it's quite simple actually. I moved to Paris, not so much intentionally, or at all really. It had nothing to do with you. The day we… you know, I um, you went home, and I came down stair and my dad told me to pack my shit up. There wasn't much I could do to really protest."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did. You just still don't know it. I waited all night for you actually; but I had to go, plane was leaving and I was off to a new life without you." He whispered the whole story as if nobody but me and him were supposed to know.

I nodded again. "Ok… it's fine, I'm fine."

"You don't honestly think you can give me the 'I'm fine' speech that you love so much. Come on, we made a deal.

I took a deep breath. "There isn't a story, you left, and my life went on." I slowly removed the covers from my boney legs attempting to move from the bed.

"Is that why you look like a skeleton? Or like you've taken up kick boxing in your spare time."

"Just drop it. I've been stressed out about school and lost a little weight, it's fine."

"It's fine? Ok. It's fine then. Is that why I found you on the bathroom floor of a bar last night? Why you were naked and shaking and pretty much unconscious? In fact, where would you be right now had I not found you?"

"Blaine would have found me." God, Blaine, I forgot about him.

"Who is this Blaine I keep hearing about?" He laughed. "God, you just can't keep him out your mouth. You can take that however you please."

"I need to go."

"You need to eat, you need to rest, and you need to stay away from whoever the hell did this to you, and I'm not letting you go until your safe."

"I am not your problem anymore. You left! You left me and I know it wasn't your fault and I don't blame you but I was here by myself!" I was screaming now. "This is my problem, I'm fine ok…. I'm fine."

"Who are you trying to convince?"

"Just drop it."

"Fine." He shied away from me; hand on his hips as if he was exhausted. "Eat something, and you can go."

He was lying. "Fine." Now so was I.

"Just um… stay here ok?" He left the room silently and I wasted no time pulling on the rest of my clothes. I walked over to the window of the large house, looking over the side; trying to climb down there wouldn't be smart. Next plan, sneak past Sebastian; still not very smart.

"You can do this Hummel." I climbed on top of the window chair looking for a gardening ladder; grabbing hold onto it and praying that I didn't slip. "You're fine, You're fine." I repeated it until I was safe on the ground. Then it hit me. "Kurt, you don't have your fucking car."

I sighed pulling out my phone and walking until I was out of Sebastian's possible view. I scrolled down until I was at Blaine's name before pressing call.

"Hello?" His voice was tired, fuck, I had woken him up. I would pay for that later. "Kurt, where the hell are you?"

"Westerville. Can you just come get me please." I was nervously playing with my jacket string.

"How did you get in Westerville?"

"I don't remember." Lie.

"Fine." He groaned. "I'll be there in an hour."

"Thank you."

* * *

I sat on the floor of my bathroom looking down at the knife and the large cuts that marked my arms like a tattoo. Blood gushed though them effortlessly but I could not find the energy too care. I'm fine, I will be.

"Kurt open up." It was Blaine; he did not sound angry, he sounded… like nothing. He masked his feeling better than anyone I had ever known. How could he be so sweet to everyone and then when we were alone he couldn't.

"It's open." I replied weakly.

The door opened quickly and Blaine kneeled down so he was at level with me. "Kurt?"

I looked up to meet Hazel; how could he be so perfect? Why couldn't I.

"Kurt you know what you get don't you."

"Yes."

"Could you be a little less useless?"

"I'm sorry." I stood so that I could sit, back turned away from him. Hard leather hit my back and I flinched almost immediately. "You're useless Kurt. _Useless._


	4. Opaque

Kurt's POV

School is difficult.

Most of it is spent trying to impress people you can't even spend more than 10 minutes with in conversation. So when you decide to be your own person and be "a leader"…. Why is it so damn difficult?

That however is not what I hate the most about school. Not even partially close. I hate the work, I hate that you a required so much and sometimes you simply can't give as much as wanted. I know life is hard, but mine just seemed so much more difficult than anyone else's.

"I have been here for 3 minutes Kurt, which is 2 minutes and 59 seconds too much." I looked up to see Sebastian staring down at me from his idle placement across the slim tabled of the Lima Bean.

"I was hoping you would go away."

"Not until you explain to me why the hell you ran away." He sniffled before leaning back in his chair so that his crotch was more visible and his shoulders were back.

I laughed to myself. "I don't owe you anything. We made a deal, your story for mine. I simply do not have a story to tell.

He remained silent for a long while and I followed. My fingers hurriedly moved across the keyboard while my eyes darted back and fourth following; sadly even after 15 consecutive minutes if typing all i seemed to do was come back to holding down that ever so shameful backspace, erasing the papers contents.

"What are you writing?"

I reply keeping my eyes still on the computer. "We have to write about Romeo and Juliet for English, and i can't seem to get past the first paragraph."

"Let me see." He holds out his hands and i give in; handing the laptop to him gently.

_Kurt Hummel_

_1-19-12_

_ Romeo and Juliet is an age old story about unaccepted love between 2 unfortunate people in unfortunate circumstances._

"The reason you cannot write it is because you are lying." He smirks picking up his coffee and taking a sip.

"Excuse me?"

Laughter filled his voice. "That is the answer anyone would give. It's your paper not everyone else's in the class, but you are taking the easy way out by giving the universal answer and that is why you can't write it."

I let his words sink in before chuckling under my breath, "Okay, since you all of a sudden have gained the intelligence of Shakespeare; what do you reckon this is about?"

"I reckon it's about 2 idiots who fell in love with the wrong people. You love may be beautiful or what ever but it is also ignorant and selfish."

"Do continue." My full attention now on him.

"Well, how long do high school relationships normally last? maybe 1 year tops. These _kids_ have ended their lives over a 365 day relationship and for what? When you are a teenager you feel unstoppable and that you know everything, but your and idiot really, you know nothing, i know nothing, they... know nothing."

"You're right Sebastian. You know nothing. Guessing that you have never been in love, you don't know what it feels like to be completely happy and content with a person, with yourself. You see when you are in love you don't think about a future, not without that person at least because you don't see one. And maybe you are right, maybe they don't last, maybe they did kill themselves for a 365 day relationship but it would not have mattered if it took them one day to fall in love with each other, right then and right there, they were unstoppable. They were invincible, and a soul couldn't tell them otherwise."

"Is that why your letting this Blaine boy beat the shit out of you every day?"

I choked on my own spit and my eyes shot open with the realization of what he had just said. "What?"

"You screamed in your sleep that night." He drank more of his coffee. "You screamed for him to stop, and he didn't I'm guessing, because you didn't stop screaming."

"So I had a nightmare... your point?"

"No point, just truth."

My eyes darkened. "You know nothing Smythe."

"Explain it to me then, explain to me right now where the bruises come from and why you look as though you have not eaten in days?"

"Stop."

"Or why you have these oh so frightening nightmares or why you got butt raped in a gay bar and left on the floor!"

"I didn't."

"And you still lying to me! Kurt, I want to help you and you can't even tell me the truth."

I would not look up at him.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't do this, go ahead Kurt! tell me you're okay, tel me and I'll believe you, hell I'll leave you alone, stay in Westerville and never worry about Kurt Hummel again."

I closed my laptop and put it in my back pack, standing and looking back towards Sebastian. "You know nothing."

_3rd POV._

Kurt looked on the break of tears. Sebastian didn't know him, i mean, he may know him better than most people, but he knew the Kurt he left 4 years ago, and that had not been him in a long time. He made his way towards the door, but he slowed halfway there and his eyes shut before he hit the ground and the rest went completely blank.

* * *

It had been 2 hours before Kurt actually opened is eyes again, adjusting them to the new lighting. 2 minutes was how long it took before he realized he was in a car, and 127 seconds was how long it took to realize he was in the car with a Sebastian.

"Drink this." In Sebastian's hand was a bottle of water, Kurt looked at it before deciding to take it anyway. He would pay for it later, but to be honest he ended up paying for just about anything he did, he was so damn _useless_. "Dehydration, or starvation?"

"How did you get me in here?" Kurt's voice was small and hoarse. I mean he hadn't actually hear the high pitched over-enthusiastic part of him in a long while now, but it just sounded down right deadly now.

"I picked your boney ass up, and put you in the car. What do you not get?"

Kurt flinched at the tone. "Why are you yelling?"

"I have the right to yell, don't believe me? Look at our constitution."

Kurt closed my mouth and didn't open it.

"Where are we going?" He said low, afraid to do anything to upset Sebastian. This what Blaine looked like when his was his most pissed of, and to be honest, Kurt was drained, he was sick and tired, and he just wanted to die.

"No where, anywhere."

"I'm sorry."

Sebastian shook his head. "don't. You're not sorry for what you need to be sorry for."

"What exactly do I need to be sorry for?"

"Fine." He pulled over to the emergency lane on the highway in one swift turn. "You. Are. Dying. You're killing yourself, and you don't even care."

"I'm fine!" I raised my voice, not sure as to convince my self or Sebastian.

"Kurt you can't even walk without feeling light headed and you want to tell me your fine. You got _raped _Kurt, and you know how I know? Because that's the shit I used to see happen to you all the time, and guess who was always there, EVERY FUCKING TIME to clean up your mess Kurt? I was! And you have he audacity to look me in the face and tell me you are fine!"

"Sebastian stop."

"Shut up Kurt. You want to hate the world, then feel free to do it, but when you die, you won't hurt yourself... I'm the one who gets hurt, your dad gets hurt, your friends get hurt. And that's nothing but selfish."

"YOU DON'T GET IT." I yell at him, finally upset enough to let go of my anger. "You are Sebastian fucking Smythe, you get what ever you want, do whatever you want, do who ever you want. I am not you, my mom dies before I'm a teenager , my dad almost died, I didnt get into a play because my boyfriend was better , I can get any solos because I'm not talented enough. You don't get what it's like to be the most useless piece of crap in the whole world and I sure as hell hope you never know what that feels like."

"Kurt."

"You left! And fate has all this lined up to go some way, you were supposed to leave me , but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

"So you want to die a skeleton because life got tough?"

Sebastian said nothing, neither did Kurt. They pulled up to Kurt's house and Kurt got out looking dead Sebastian.

"don't come by here anymore, if you see me, don't talk to me, I won't go to the lima Bean anymore, that way I am no longer your problem and we can forget, easy." Kurt started walking toward his door before turning one more time. "I want to die worth it."


	5. Yellow

There is something about depression that takes over your body and flows through your veins like fiery blood on your death bed. You lose control of one self and completely submit to a force greater than your own; and just like that you no longer know what happiness is. The smallest ounce of human enjoyment is a small cry for you.

Like anything in life, it passes you move on and you find yourself better than you were before, but going through hell, not just a bad day, but actual hell is what makes you the indifference from the quote on quote "beautiful people". Because you know what it's like to be so fucking lost it feels like you can't breathe, like you're lost in your own skin and the universe hates you. But if you don't know pain, you won't know happiness.

So what do you? You just _keep swimming._

* * *

I don't want to think about another beating, another traumatic experience that seemed like an everyday thing to me. I want to eat, and sleep, and laugh again, and have those stupid feminine sleepovers with Rachel and Mercedes. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see; that confident bitch Kurt Hummel we all knew and loved so much. I was weak, and I had let Blaine subdue me into a smaller version of what I used to be. That was my own fault, and no one else's but. How could I have been so afraid to loose someone else that I happily lost myself in the process? How did I let him take me over? I used to be strong… right? I used to take the shit that was thrown at me, and pick myself up; put back my _own_ puzzle pieces. I guess at one point we all get tired of fighting, and are left with nothing but the damage we have let get done to ourselves. Not physical damage, but emotional. My pride was gone, and when I looked in the mirror I wasn't as disgusted with the bruises or the small amounts of fat here and there…no, I was disgusted that I let myself become taken over, and weakened into what I am now.

They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, but that isn't true. When the going gets tough, the weak get going. So that's what I did; I ran and drove and screamed and anything I could do to just get everything out. The pain, the food, the blood, anything, I wanted different skin, I wanted a different mindset; I wanted to break my own self so I could rebuild again. I wanted to go back to when I was 11 and Sebastian was there, always fucking there, and yell at him to leave me the hell alone. I needed to fight for myself, because not another soul was going to fight for me.

That's when I finally realize that I had broken. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and losing everything of importance to me. I'm getting my life back together, and to do that I need to leave, I need to drive off with no destination and no life ahead of me, but I have a fresh new start and I can't be bothered.

I walked into the 80's themed diner and sat in front of the counter looking up to the screen held above my head. Something less interesting then my Shakespeare report was playing and I found myself smiling fondly at it.

"What can I get you doll face?" A country accent snapped me back into reality as I turned to see a happy middle aged woman staring down at me.

"What do you suggest?" I wasn't planning on looking at the menu; I pushed it to the side intertwining my fingers on the counter and looking up to her.

"Well sweetheart, it looks like you need just about everything on the menu. All skin and bones you kids are these days, my mama would stuff food down my throat if I was ever your size."

I laughed loudly at her; looking down at my over grown jacket and sweats. "What is someone like you doing in Ohio anyway?"

Her eyes jolted out of her head, obviously now fully invested in our conversation. "Well do I have a story for you. I'm from Tennessee you know, home of delicious apple pie and fried chicken."

"Ah." I nod.

"Yes, well, not everything was always to fine and dandy down there, I needed the escape from it. Move on from my life and discover a new one. If I was supposed to be there, I would come back, and I never did. First I went to Los Angeles, and it was nice there, the people where divine and the food was oh so good. But it was also too calmed, and I ached for that life of hectic appointment and big buildings, and waiting hours for a taxi."

"New York?" I smiled.

"New effing York honey, and there was nothing holding me back but the budget I held tightly on."

"So why aren't you there now."

"I met the love of my life, and turned 40. I wanted kids, I wanted a house, I wanted to come home and be tired and yell and do everything I saw my mama do. New York is a wonderful place, but Ohio is a _home. _When you get older will understand that."

"Ohio is a hell hole to me."

"Well that's because you hang on to too much honey, every day you wake up and yesterday is forgotten; memory wiped out."

"It's not that easy,"

She stands and pulls out her notepad. "I don't know your story love. But you deserve happiness; everyone does." Now taking out her pen. "Now what do you want, I can't look at you any longer without wanted to send you to a pie eating contest."

I laugh again; I was doing that a lot today. I open my mouth to answer before my phone goes off to teenage dream and I see a call from Blaine. I don't know how long I just sat there and looked at it; did my ringtone even come this long?

"Going to get that?"

"Um, no. I want 2 cheese burgers with bacon, a bucket of French fries and 2 milkshakes."

"Coming right up gorgeous." She grabbed my menu and made her way to the back.

* * *

_What do we do, we swim._

* * *

**So this was just a bit of a filler, I know that it is very short but I mean what can you do?**

**I just want to point out that KURT'S "ROUGH PATCH" IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING OVER. But it is a step closer, and I think It was needed. **

**EVERYONE WILL GET THERE SEBASTIAN/BLAINE CONFRONTATION, In time children, in time. **

**Also I want to apologize for last chapter, I was busy all last weekend and was writing on my phone, then my laptop, them everywhere else, and by Sunday I was like 'just finish it and post it ok/"**

**I don't know if you noticed but ever title of each chapter has a color, like this one is named yellow, and since Kurt ordered cheeseburgers and cheese is yellow, i titled it yellow. Hidden meaning and ish like that.**

**I have not decided if you will see seb next chapter or what, but if things go as planned, next chapter will be VERY IMPORTANT. Also i hope to get Burt in this, because obviously a good daddy like him will know when somethings wrong with his son. **

**I will stop rambling now, follows and reviews are lovely, i read them all, and i appreciate criticism, good writers need that ish anyway right/  
**

**Good day, and i will see you next weekend.**


	6. Charcole

Kurt sat quietly on the stool facing the auditorium. He liked this; the quiet, like he could get away and he knew no one was listening. Sure he was comfortable singing, he did it all the time. But you sing your best when you are alone, because there are no boundaries, you cant fail; and if you do, no one is there to know.

He hummed the beginning of a song he had been working on for glee but never got the chance to sing.

_The tricky thing_

_Is yesterday we were just_

He stopped and walked over to the piano. He wasn't very good at it, Blaine had showed him a little bit and he had practiced tabs for this particular song. He brought the microphone to just in front of his face; not afraid to be loud given it was 4 and the day had been over 2 hours ago. He opened his mouth again and let the words pour out freely.

_The tricky thing_

_is yesterday we were just, children_

_playing soldiers and just, pretending_

_Dreaming dreams with.. happy endings_

_in backyards_

_winning battles with our, wooden swards_

_until we stepped into a, cruel world_

_where everybody stands and... keeps score_

He straightened his posture and began moving his fingers across the keys.

_Everybody's waiting_

_for you to break down_

_everybody's watching_

_to see the fall out_

_even when you're sleeping, sleeping_

_keep your eyes, open._

_"_You sound wonderful."

Kurt's head snapped to the side to see who was talking to him and was taken back when he saw none other than Burt Hummel; his father standing before him. "Keep going."

Kurt nodded and re-positioned himself, now more conscious of how he sounded but closing his eyes and relaxing.

_So here you are_

_2 steps ahead and staying, on guard_

_every lesson forms a, new scar_

_you never thought you'd make it... this far_

_but turn around_

_oh they've surrounded you its, a showdown_

_but nobody comes to save you now,_

_but you've got something they don't, yeah_

_you've got something they don't_

_keep your eyes open_

_everybody's waiting_

_ for you to break down, _

_everybody's watching_

_ to see the fallout,_

_ even when you're sleeping,_

_ sleeping, keep your eyes open._

Kurt turned back to look at his father. A smile worn on his face and a look of hope of approval.

"I haven't heard you sing in 2 months." He walked slowly up the stairs to the stage grabbing a chair and positioning it in front of the piano. "You want to tell me what's up?"

"Nothing." Kurt lied and began playing with the string on his jacket.

"OK," He nodded, accepting the answer given to him. "look bud, I know, that since you know, your mom died and everything, i haven't really been there for you as much."

"No dad, you have, I just... I don't know, school is stressing me out, then there's college, everything is just slapping me in the face lately."

"Kurt I'm not stupid. You could deal with school, friends, and a job last year as well as making time for rehearsals for glee and your vigorous skin care routine. You thrive on stress, it's a part of you. What's going on with you goes deeper than that." He looked at Kurt hoping for an answer, but when none was giving he cleared his throat and continued. "I see the scars Kurt, and the weight loss, and the... the everything. I don't know what happened to you, and maybe, maybe it's my fault, maybe i should have spoken up when i saw it, but I kept... thinking you would talk to me when you were ready you know. And it seems like the older you get, the more I lose you, and I don't know how to stop it."

"You're not losing me dad."

"Kurt how do you get so lost?"

Kurt head falls and his hand begins to shake and he knows he is about to start crying, but he holds it in because he isn't worth the sympathy. "I just don't know what to do anymore."

Burt stood so he was leaning across the flat of the piano. "You'll figure it out. I don't know when, I don't know what you will have to go through to get there but I promise you, that you will be fine"

Kurt stood to hug his dad and softly cried in his shoulder. Soft enough so that it was only heard between the 2 of them.

* * *

Blaine was taking me to another club tonight. Some place in downtown Ohio named 'HighLights'. I wasn't all to exciting about going. Blaine made sure that I paid for the food i had inhaled 2 days prior, and my body was sore from both the beating and the sex.

On the plus side, this place was nicer than scandals. Trash didn't litter the floor and an actual crowd waited to be let in. No, i wasn't happy about the loads of people scattered across the dance floor, or the loud music the ached throughout my body. But I was with Blaine, the love of my life and he had forgiven me and everything was OK right?

"Babyyyyyy." Blaine moaned in my ear. "I have a surprise for you OK." He laughed and pulled me onto the dance floor, i didn't want to dance in the slightest; but Blaine did, and i was his property. He came first; in both meanings of the phrase.

We shuffled for to the beat of the load music with words i think no one could truly understand. It was funny actually, anyone just meeting Blaine would think he was the most dapper gentlemen in the world, but behind the closed doors he was a short tempered party animal.

Blaine was pulled away from me by another man who I didn't recognize, so I stood there and dance by myself until he returned. I could not tell what they were saying and I don't think i was supposed to know anyway. Money was given to Blaine and the next thing I knew Blaine was walking back toward me. "Kurt!" Blaine screamed over the music. "Last part of your punishment okay."

I nod happy to get the last part of my punishment done. "okay."

Blaine grabs my hand tightly and pulls me through the crowd of people making sure not to lose me. "This is Anthony, Daniel, and Crawford."

They were plenty older than me, all looking like their wife had finally given them a break and this was there night out. "Hi" I stated softly but you could easily make out what was being said.

"They will be responsible for your punishment." Blaine leaned over and whispered in my ear.

I closed my eyes and breathed out "yes sir." And when I opened them again, Blaine had moved away from my side.

"Follow us." One said, I'm guessing Daniel, his voice raised so he was heard. All three of them were tall and had broad shoulder. They were not necessarily built, or even moderately the most attractive people, but they were scary and i didn't have the slightest idea what my punishment was. One of them sported blond hair while the other 2 had dark brunette locks. Their skin looked over tanned and just orange instead of taking a creamy caramel or a dark ebony.

I had not payed any attention to where we were headed but I knew we were outside when the cold Ohio air hit my face. I jolted my head up and realized we where somewhere behind the club and the smell of orgasms and just-been-used condoms filled the air. 3 other couples where around us completely focused on their own maximum the taking anytime to look over and see 4 people had just invaded what should have been personal space, but maybe I was wrong.

I was hit back to reality when i was slammed against the wall and my body shook underneath me and i felt my knees go weaker. The slam wasn't really hard at all, but it was tearing away the scabs of old wounds and that my friend, hurt like a bitch. "Get on your knees." I knew what that meant and did not question his orders. Where the hell had Blaine gone, could I tell him that I didn't want this punishment? That I could do anything for a different one. But it was to late because before i could even process the intelligence to scream my mouth was on somebody's dick, someone who I didn't know might I add.

My pants were shredded and the laughs of the 3 boys doing the work could be heard in the back round of my head. I was used to this type of beating really, yes it hurt and I felt ass though my asshole was being ripped from the inside and turned out like a pressured nerve point. So I ignored it, I pretended there was not 2 penises not belonging to a lover inside 1 small hole, I pretended i wasn't giving someone a blow job behind a closet like a untamed whore.

That's when it hit me. My purpose hit my right is the face. I was here for nothing other than another's pleasure. When Blaine hit me, or used my body as a human vibrator; he was nothing but happy. That was pleasure for him, and this was pleasure for them. So when they were finished with me and left; zipping their pants and entering back into the club. I didn't cry, I didn't drown myself in pity. I _smiled ._

* * *

_"god keep going!" Blaine screamed his head tilted back on the wall of the bathroom stall. He would be done in any minute and I was so fucking proud that I had actually done something to prove I was worth it._

_I exactly 12 second she had come in my mouth and sat there and looked at him while I swallowed it. "Good boy." He smiled looking down at me and kneeling so he could connect our lips. "You're not so useless after all."_

_So for the next 2 months I spent Saturdays at men's houses who's names I either didn't know, or could not pronounce. I took whatever beating they dished out or whatever sick fetish they had and collected the money to give to Blaine. I'm not an idiot, I know i am basically a prostitute. But that is what I am good for, so who was I to deny that talent._

* * *

I had made my in front of Sebastian's house. I had kept my promise well; I had stayed away from him and let him forget me. Now it was my turn to say thank you and I had only known one way to do so.

I was almost spring now, and I was more than happy to switch my big winter coat for a small and more fashionable jacket. I knocked lightly on the door and stood back to admire Sebastian's house as I did Blaine's. The first time I was here I did not take the time to admire the smaller and elegant details of the house, to be honest, I'm surprised I even knew where it was.

The door was answered within a few long minutes and I was faces with the sight of a surprised Sebastian.

I wasted no time jumping towards him and kissing him hard, taking off my jacket while doing so. Then he did something I didn't expect and threw me off him and into the wall next to the door. "What the hell are you doing?"He yelled wiping his lips.

"I figured it out." I quickly returned back to life; jumping up and walking towards him. "The whole time I was looking for what I was good at, and it's _sex_"

Sebastian looked as though he had just seen a ghost. "Kurt get some help." He said in a whisper. "Your so ridiculously fucked that you don't know who you are anymore."

"What? I thought you would be happy for me... or something."

"You think coming in my house and jumping on me would make me happy for you?"

I don't even know what just clicked then but before I knew it, I was crying, and not just soundless crying like I had did with my father weeks before this, but actual screaming and getting everything around me wet. "Shit, Kurt sorry." I heard Sebastian swear.

"No, no, sorry i shouldn't have come here, I tried to get up and leave but he had stopped me dead in my tracks, twisting me around and wrapping his arms around me. I didn't deserve all that he did for me ever since I was 11, but I didn't have the strength to fight it any longer. Al I could think of was the beatings, and the lonely night, and the crying that I had spent so much time doing. I just kept crying until I was light headed and all i could recognize was that familiar smell that only Sebastian carried. And I was sleeping.

* * *

Sebastian's POV

I carried Kurt upstairs and sat him on my bed. He was out cold; and i would have expected him to be after all the crying he just did. I walked over to my drawer and pulled out my lacrosse shirt we were given and i had only worn once. It was going to be way to big for Kurt, but I didn't want him to wear anything tight to bed anyway, he needed to relax and he looked exhausted and worn out. I quickly undressed him, which was easy because none of his clothes fit him tight like I had remembered when we were younger.

That's when I was faced with a picture I wished I hadn't. Bruised painted his body everywhere and he was skinnier than I had last scene him. Not to mention, he was still bleeding; maybe he had forgotten to clean some, maybe he just ignored them. I sighed and walked into the bathroom coming out with a wet rag and a fer large bandages.

I wiped off most of the blood and bandaged anything that was small enough to be completely covered. But even after all of it, my eyes were centered on one bruise particular. It was a clear outline of a hand, and I did not know to who it belonged to, but it bothered the hell out of me.

Teenage dream blasted from Kurt's phone and I turned my head swiftly rushing to cut it off not to awaken Kurt.

**Blaine**

**New customer on Friday, Likes biting so be warned. 9:56**

I was confused and disgusted by what I thought that meant. I opened the message and looked through his and Blaine's texts.

**Jan 14**

**Stop being difficult and be where I tell you to be.**

**Jan 28**

**You are late, That's a punishment Kurt**

**Feb 7**

**Did you eat today fat ass?**

I had never been so absolutely infuriated in my life. How could this guy live with himself. I swear to everything if I ever am within 10 feet of Blaine I would beat the shit out of him. Hard.

Kurt had been through enough in his life, and to have fallen in love with this son of a bitch just completely ruined him.

"I'M SO SORRY BLAINE PLEASE..." I heard Kurt literally scream from my bed and I turned my head slowly to see him practically having a seizure. I sighed agian and rushed over to once again wrap my arms around him doing the only thing I knew how to do.

_And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones._  
_'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone._  
_We're setting fire to our insides for fun._  
_Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,_  
_It was a flood that wrecked this..._

_...and you caused it..._  
_...and you caused it..._  
_...and you caused it..._

* * *

**This was emotionally stressful for me to write ok. Because I was just all in my Klaine feels (i know you cant believe i am a klainer because i made Blaine a monster, but i love him i swear, even if he is a butthole for cheating, i will forgive him in time) any was, i was listening to teenage dream and it was just hard ok. I think we got almost 3000 words, and the next chapters are like cray ok. **

**Anyway, i am off and i will see you all next week.**

**reviews and follows are lovely .**

**OH AND THE SONGS! the first one was eyes open by taylor swift, and the second one was youth by daughters.**

**Adios- RadHadder.**


	7. Translucent

_There is this thing about mistakes; you cannot run from them. Once you make them, they can't leave you, and you can't leave them. _

_When you are younger you feel like anything is possible, and as you get older you start to realize that those possibilities are slowly slipping away. Embarrassment settles in and you are left with nothing but the white lies belittled in your child hood. The hardest part of mistakes is not forgetting them and accepting them, in fact that is the easiest part besides the mistake itself. What really sucks about mistakes is that they follow you like a lost puppy or a trail of kids. They seek to destroy your life and prejudice, torment, it settles and you begin to crack from the inside out. The thing Is; when you make the mistake, it is made, you can't change it, so why is it constantly brought up? Pushing for you to relive it and feel helpless to comeback because it is your mistake in the first place right?_

* * *

I woke up feeling better than I had in a long time. It was warm and I was guarded by a familiar scent. The events last night hit me slowly and I had kept my eyes closed; completely okay with the way I was at this moment. The kiss, the tears, and the hug; they all formed slowly in my brain before my eyes fluttered and I realized I was in the arms of Sebastian Smythe.

I tried to roll over as swiftly as possibly insuring that Sebastian remained asleep. Looking back and watching the increase in his chest, I smiled I think. I smiled at that very moment, a genuine smile that I used last 4 years ago. It was something I had mentally reserved only for him. I mean don't get me wrong, I smiled a lot to be honest; smiled at Rachel, Finn, Mercedes, my dad and just about everyone who had a reserved seat in glee club. But the smile I wore on my face right now, was only shown in pure happiness. Happiness only found with my mother and in Sebastian.

I walked slowly over to the bathroom, hanging tightly on the wall to remain steady and upright. I had his bathroom memorized since the last time I had been here, simply because of the door. It was a different color from the rest of the room and had a different nob from the rest of the house. The nob was to be pulled down, not twisted, and the door held an odd color, almost as if it were translucent but you could not see through it at all. I walked through the door and positioned myself in front of the toilet seat; pulling my hair in front of my face. I had grown it out unintentionally and had never taken the initiative to cut it. It rested at my shoulders and moved in a waved pattern. My bangs hung sloppily over my forehead and I spent most of the day pushing it out of the way. I would not necessarily say I minded it though; my hair was soft and I had found comfort in touching it.

I shoved my index and middle finger harshly down my throat closing my eyes as the colored chunks of goo spilled from my body. No, I don't like throw up, I have never liked it, and had I never meant Blaine I would have never purposefully made a habit of it. I took the back of my boney wrist and wiped my mouth opening my eyes and getting off the floor.

I took in my appearance slowly, starting from the oversized t-shirt that I had not remembered dressing in and working my way up to the pale skin surrounding me. My eyes were dark and I remembered I did not have the concealer to cover it. My hair fell from my head when I raked my fingers through it; not in heaps or in a 'you're soon going to be bald' fashion, but in a way I did not enjoy, and I could have done without.

I sighed loudly and raised my shirt to see bruises scattered across my torso and a large bandage rested across my chest. I chuckled remembering who gave that to me, or remembering the look of the person that gave it to me. Old, very old, possibly 50's, I didn't bother asking, and a fetish I didn't bother repeating. I moved down to my thighs, tracing the mark of fingerprints, those I knew were Blaine's and my smile broke and I just looked at it for a few minutes.

"You still scream you know." Sebastian scared the shit out of me and caused me to drop my shirt back and flinch. But just like that he had left and I once again sighed and walked out of the bathroom.

I removed the t-shirt that I was guessing was Sebastian's due to the Dalton logo. I redressed in the sweats I suited coming here and picked up my phone from off the camera. I was pretty sure my keys were down stairs, so I'd just run and get those and leave.

I took my time getting down the steps; in not rush to be in the same house, in the same town, in the same neighborhood as my house, because I seemed to be stapled to that place and I enjoyed being elsewhere. Eyeing my keys quickly, I grab them not looking back at Sebastian and head for the door but once again I was stopped by the taller male.

"Eat." He states simply looking down at me even though I had not returned the gaze. "No isn't a choice Hummel."

I could say no, I very much could say no. But staying in Sebastian's company for a little while longer wasn't something I really wanted to say no to. So without thinking I took my space at the breakfast bar and folded my hands on the counter top.

"I can't cook, so cereal?"

"Yeah sure." I breathed out.

He nodded and turned and began making the cereal. "Tell me."

My eyes snapped up, not really expecting him to say anything else. "What do you want to know?"

"Are you a prostitute?"

Kurt had remained silent and showed no signs of anything in his face really. It was a talent he had picked up over the years. "Why do you ask."

His teeth grit and I could practically feel the tension. "Blaine." He spat the word. "Texted you last night, seems as though you have a new client on Friday."

"You shouldn't have read my texts." I shrugged.

"You're still not denying you're a prostitute."

"Because I'm not a prostitute. I don't make any money from having sex with guys, I just have sex with them."

"So let me guess… Blaine gets it doesn't he." Placing the cereal in front of me.

"Can we not talk about this?"

"No, Kurt we can't not talk about this."

"You know what I'm not hungry I think I am going to go."

"Kurt, you're really running away from it."

"Yes I am actually." I move to get up. "Thank you for letting me stay here for the night and not beating me up for kissing you." I turn and move towards the door.

"You see Kurt, even after I can tell you want so hard to be mad at me you still thank me for letting you be here. You're better than him Kurt; honestly you're better than me. And I just sit here and watch you destroy yourself every goddamn time I see you and you have no idea how much that kills me."

"I'm sorry."

He ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. "Don't apologize! Stop apologizing when it fixes nothing. Blaine did this to you. You let him break you Kurt, and now you still can't put yourself back together."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't, but I am not going to chase after you, Kurt. I want you to be safe and happy but you have to want to do it yourself." He walks so he is closer to me. "Do not go back to Blaine."

I began to shake my head quickly repeating no over and over. "I love him. Like Romeo and Juliet. You can't tell us differently."

* * *

"Kurt, I've been meaning to tell you how proud I am." Blaine smiled at me from where I lay, holding tightly one his torso. "For that I want to repay you."

I looked up, resting my chin on his chest. "With what?"

"I'm going to fuck you, but this time you get to choose."

"Okay." I swallowed.

"Lube, or I bottom."

"Lube."

* * *

OK, HIYA. I know it's Monday, but I wasn't up for doing anything this weekend including homework, writing, or editing videos. I kinda had a really bad night out with my friends so the story was semi connected to that. I have a crap load of story development to write out so I should prob do that soon. But most likely I won't because I am a lazy American with no life other than fangirling.

This was a bit short but then again I gave you 3000 words on my last chapter so I figured I needed a break.

If I am not already throwing feels in your face I should allow you to know between the 9th and 11th chapter kurtbastian will begin to blossom and be perf as usual. Kurt has a long road of depression ahead of him though but I want recovery to begin within the next 5-10 chapters.

Ok, I will stop rambling to you and leave you all to your wonderful day, if you guys can vote yet, I hope you get out to the ballets and vote.

Adios- Radhadder


	8. Ebony

The thing about love is that there is such a thin line. You can know that you love someone but the simple thought of them with someone else makes you hate their guts. But really you don't; you hate that they're not yours. That at the end of the night they are thinking about someone else. That hurts.

But you know what hurts even more? To give your heart to someone and know they will never feel the same, so they trample over it and use you, but you see nothing but perfection, because _you love them_.

* * *

"Keep going." I yelped.

I could feel the smile ripping across his face. "Eager are we, I swear you pretty boys are dirtier than you look." I was fonder on this guy then most of the clients I had. He was younger; 25 tops and he always asked if he was hurting me. Though I don't think he actually cared if he were, I don't think the thought of pulling himself out of me went through his mind once. He felt guilty.

He thrusted harder and much slower than necessary to make sure I felt every movement; and I did. However what he was doing to me was not even half of Blaine's torture on a good day. I bit hard on my lip bracing myself. I will give him this; he had the ability to hold out is orgasm for longer than anyone I had ever had sex with. And you'd be surprised by how many guys in Ohio were willing to fuck a 18 year old male teenager.

"Fuck I'm close." _About time. _I wanted to leave and we had to have been doing this for the past 45 minutes. "I wanted to show you something." He screamed when he released and pulled my hair so my head flew back.

"Ok?" I breathed out; happy it was over.

He pulled out harshly and began walking over to his desk. He had nice butt cheeks, very nice butt cheeks. "What's your name?"

"Andy." He smiled turning to look at me. "Now quiet kid."

"Well you remember when I called you over late so you spent the night?"

"Yes?"

"Well I kind of took pictures of you."

There was no way I could have not looked confused. "Why?"

"I'm an art major." He shrugs like that explains it all. "And I made you my subject… technically without your permission, but I have always been the one to break rules."

"Well why did you use me?"

He chuckles. "Your body is a walking story…"

More confusion was set and I am guessing he could tell because he effortlessly walked in front of me, sitting down and continuing. "Your body had been worn down by hurt, and used over and over again. But it is still there. A lot like you I think." Moving closer and touching one of the bruises held brightly on my pale skin. "So much… _damage."_ He smiled looking up at me. "That's why I made this." Once again getting up and moving towards his desk.

"You drew me?" I was in front of a large painting of a skinny, pale, broken boy. But it could not have been me, for I saw something I knew I did not have in my self. I saw hope in his eyes. A smirk hung lightly on his face and a bruise I knew could be prepared. "I call it, _slut."_

It wasn't an insult not really, but it hurt. Because I wanted to be that boy he painted more than anything. "I need to go. Money on the table?"

"Yes, as usual." Another smile.

I rush to put on my clothes and head for the door turning back to mutter a last sentence. "Thank you, but that is not me."

"I think it's more you than you think."

* * *

Kurt didn't really remember pulling into Sebastian's parking lot, but before he knew it he was on the other boy's porch. His first instinct was to go to Blaine, but he had just escaped sex and he was not ready to go back in it. So here he stood, with too much going through his mind to make the rational decision and go home.

"Kurt?" A musky voice led me out of thought and I was meant with the oh so familiar emerald irises I had come to find comfort in. So I didn't think.

My lips were connected to his on instinct with passion and unreturned lust and I just couldn't pull away.

"Kurt stop." Sebastian tried to protest. "Kurt, calm down." He was whispering between kisses but I just couldn't listen, I could not stop this because it just felt so… right. So maybe I was broken, and maybe I didn't have the best life to go back to, but right here, right now with him was all I needed, it was all I _wanted. _"I want to."

"No Kurt." He was so fucking close to my face and I could feel his breath against my lips, it was all him and that was it, and I just wanted that so bad.

"Please Sebastian, please." I was pathetic, and I was pleading and shivering because god damn it just got cold and all I want is just for him to do this one little thing for me please.

Sebastian breathed out quickly before nodding twice and taking my head shoving our lips back together again. I was melting into his touch and I didn't realize us going up stairs and falling on the bed, or losing clothes, or the unsuppressed moans and names, but I know I would do it every day for the rest of my life if I could. I would do whatever Sebastian wanted me to do really. But I was taken by Blaine, he owned me and what I had done was wrong. Andy was it, yes; Andy was right about 2 things in his art. One being the name, _slut_ for obvious reasons I didn't feel the need to repeat, and two the bruise that could be healed. I was not tangible, but I was not breakable. I was repairable. And in time I would repair, but with Blaine by my side, the man who gives me love I could never deserve.

* * *

Seb's POV

I wish I had not woken up that morning. I woke up to an empty bed and a note that simply stated.

Dear Seb,

I should not have forced you last night, I shouldn't have made you do that to me,

I should not have wasted your time, but most of all I should not have betrayed the only person

Who really truly loves me, and that is Blaine.

Kurt

_Seb? I like that._

You see the thing about love, is its burning red, and sometimes red hurt's like the depths of the worst kind of hell, and sometimes it lives, like the pure ecstasy of heaven.

* * *

**A/N:** for the person who asked, I bottom means Blaine would be taking Kurt (like inside him (embarrassed giggles) and if you didn't know, bottoming hurts especially when you don't do it often. (Well there is lube…. I'm going to stop this conversation.)

Lube, means that blaine would lubricate his thingy ma thang so it would not hurt so much when he you knowed with Kurt.

BOOM FUN.

That is all, reviews and follows are appreciated.

Adios-RadHadder


	9. Neon

_These battle scars_

_Don't look like their fading_

_Don't look like they're ever going away_

_They ain't never going change_

_These battle_

I am outside of a mental hospital.

And you know what I am doing? I'm laughing, laughing my ass off because really what the hell am I doing here. If I wasn't mental before, I surely looked like I was at this point; I dropped Sebastian after having sex with him, I once again have disobeyed Blaine by missing an 'appointment', and to put everything together I didn't go to practice today because I was too afraid I would pass out during choreography.

It seemed a lot like the world hated me now, and that was ok. I mean I was brutally _fucked_ if we wanted to be real and though I hated my existence most of the time I would not categorize myself as a depressed person. I mean yes depression had hit me and hung on to me, but it had not taken me over, and I would not let it. I did not wake up every day with thoughts of suicide, but I did sometimes. I was not smile-less, but I was sometimes. You see with me, some days I let that depression win, and other days it was simply a factor, but not a fixed piece.

So once again I am here, in front of a mental institution, but for what? Because I was crazy, or was I?

So I turned back to my car jiggling my keys in my hand and still laughing to the point where my stomach was dropping. I knew exactly where I was going too, but why was I still laughing, I just couldn't stop.

_Never let a wound ruin me_

_But I feel like ruin's wooing me_

_Arrow holes that never close from cupid on a shooting spree_

_Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me _

So now I am faced with my mother's grave. I do not remember her much anymore; I know she was beautiful, my dad always told me I got that from her. She is just a memory now, and a blurred one, but I will not ever forget her.

"Hey mom." I chuckled under my breath. "I guess I should say sorry first for not visiting you in so long."

I paused almost expecting her to answer me before gulping and accepting the silence. "I um, I wanted to ask you something, that's what I came here for." _Stalling._ "Would you still love me if I was letting someone do something horrible to me? Should I still love myself?"

Another pause. "Nothing?" Once again accepting the silence and getting up. "I love you, and god I wish you were here."

_But when you're trying to beat the odds up_

_Been trying to keep your nods up and you know that you should know_

_And let her go but the fear of the unknown_

_Holding another lover strong sends you back into the zone_

So now we are back in a car, fan_fucking_tastic. And once again I knew exactly what I was doing, where I was going, and what I was going there for. It's amazing how sarcastic I was today.

_With no Tom Hanks to bring you home_

_A lover not a fighter on the frontline with a poem_

_Trying to write yourself a rifle_

_Maybe sharpen up a song_

_To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone_

"Kurt what are you doing here?"

"Blaine, hey." I smile up at him connecting our lips in a peck.

"Shouldn't you be with your buyer right now."

I was nervous about the lie I was about to tell but I had practiced lying to Blaine and I like to think I was good at it. "He was quick, only about 25 minutes."

"Well where is the money?"

"I uh, I will bring it to you tomorrow, I stopped home on the way and wasn't planning to come by."

"Well why exactly did you decide to come by then?" He was on edge I could tell and he was hiding something and I _needed to know. _

"I uh, just wanted to see you really; you know being my boyfriend and all." I was lying, right to his face.

He didn't looked fazed though, he seemed more so confused and frustrated then upset, so maybe whatever it was is a private matter. "Kurt I will see you in school, that's plenty of bonding time."

"Yeah, I know I just, I don't know, I mean I don't even have any classes except one with you and all, I just thought maybe we could hang out today. But it was stupid I'll go."

_I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched_

_I wish that I could stop loving you so much_

_Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together_

_When all of the signs say that I should forget her_

He nodded and walked over to the door to open it for me, a part of me really wanted him to chase after me and say I was right and that he wanted some quality time together, or tell me I wasn't being stupid and that what was important to me was important to him too, but I didn't get that.

"Blaine baby hurry up!" That voice wasn't mine and it didn't take much to put 2 and 2 together to realize what was happening.

I looked over to him, hurt I'm sure was clear on my face. "Who the hell was that."

"No one Kurt, just go."

Was he serious? So next we get footsteps and the appearance of a half-naked… _fucking male model material._ No wonder Blaine hated me so much, I could never be that, the guy he was so clearly fucking just before I had arrived and that hurt like a bitch. To have one person tell you that you deserve to be loved and the other hurt you so bad, no, a bitch doesn't hurt this bad.

"Who is this?" The nameless boy asked walking over to me and extending his boney arm forward mentioning a shake.

I looked over to Blaine because was he actually fucking serious right now? "Blaine why don't you tell him exactly who I am? Tell him how I am your ex-boyfriend." My face was strait. "Because we are so fucking done Blaine."

_I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had_

_I wish that the good outweighed the bad_

_Cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over_

I was proud of myself; I mean how I had become so completely bad ass in these last 15 minutes I will never understand, but I like it. All until I was grabbed and pushed against a wall very hardly, but I mean I was still pretty bad ass like let's be real.

"Get out Raymond." It was an order that was easily followed by… Raymond? So that's his name, fits him, he looks ethnic. So Blaine returns his look to me and now the amount of badness I am feeling is dropping because he looks fucking possessed or as I am ham on Thanksgiving. "Let me make something very clear to you Kurt, I _own _you."

"No you don't"

"You are nothing without me. You're lost, you're a loser, not to mention the sorry amount of friends you had barely pay enough attention to you to realize you look like a starving orphan." _Rude._ "Your life has sucked ass since the day you were born Kurt, I want to help you, I want to _control you. _I starve you to make you beautiful, I hit you to make you obedient, and I sell you to make sure you understand who you belong to."

So I am laughing again, I mean half the things Blaine had said flew through my ears, but I caught it, I caught the most important thing. I was his, I was his property, and it was my own damn fault for putting myself in that position. "I'm guessing that's you."

A nod.

"No, you see Blaine, I stopped belonging to you the second you made people pay to rape me." So I didn't exactly plan for him to punch me in the face or kick me in the non-existent gut after that, but who doesn't love surprises right?

"You can think what you want, and you can have this little I want to be independent era, but when I comes back down to it, who do you always come back to?"

The sad thing is he was right, and I wasn't going to stay and hear more of it, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't come back.

_These battle scars, don't look like they're fading_

_Don't look like they're ever going away_

_They ain't never gonna change_

_These battle_

So let's say I ran to my car hopped in and had tears running down my eyes like an amazon waterfall, let's pretend I didn't drive for miles before pulling over on the emergency lane, oh and don't forget to pretend I pulled out razor and chopped my arm into pieces for hours and only stopping when I bagan to feel dizzy.

_Cause you've set me on fire_

_I've never felt so alive, yeah_

_Hoping wounds heal, but it never does_

_That's because you're at war with … love_

Let's pretend I didn't scream for half an hour and shake and tremble and act like a phsyco, let's pretend I didn't scratch my legs till they were red, or make myself sick until my stomach burned and I couldn't take it any longer before falling to the ground.

_And I'm at the point of breaking_

_And it's impossible to shake it_

Let's say I didn't fall to the ground and cry in the middle of nowhere, let's pretend I was a kid again when everything was simple, let's pretend I was dead.

_See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does_

_That's cause you're at war with … love_

_Hope it heals, but it never does_

_That's cause you're at war with love_

I am outside of a mental hospital.

And you know what I am doing? I'm laughing, laughing my ass off because really what the hell am I doing here. If I wasn't mental before, I surely looked like I was at this point; I dropped Sebastian after having sex with him, I once again have disobeyed Blaine by missing an 'appointment', and to put everything together I didn't go to practice today because I was too afraid I would pass out during choreography.

Except this time…

"Mr. Kurt Hummel."

**I went in.**

_These battle scars, don't look like they're fading_

_Don't look like they're ever going away_

_They ain't never gonna change_

_These battle_

* * *

**A/N: **no I didn't forget to post this weekend, I just really wanted this chapter to be good so I hope you guys liked it. I am no longer making a limit for myself, like post every Saturday or Sunday because it's exhausting. That doesn't mean it will be like months in between posts either because just like the rest of you, I am waiting for ACITW and DYR to update and I know what a struggle it is.

On the plus side, I posted this right before glee and on thanksgiving and GRANTS IN THIS EPISODE HIS BEAUTIFUL SELF. I am sooo so so sorry if you like Blaine and for making him a world class asshole but I promise I love him and it hurt when he was sing HDTY, it really did.

With that I bid you farewell and wish you all a very good holiday and to gain as much weight as you want, you can wear baggy shirts for the next 2 weeks if you need to.

Adios- RadHadder


	10. Amber

"_Mr. Hummel."_

"_Mr. Hummel."_

"_Mr. Hummel."_

"_Please stop talking."_ Her voice was annoying and repetitive.

"Mr. Hummel… Do you have any idea how unlikely it is for someone to check into a mental institution?"

I had not meant her gaze since she began this session, I didn't know her name, I didn't know her job, all I knew is that she was talking and I wasn't fond of that.

"Mr. Hummel."

Meeting her eyes finally with nothing but frustration evident on my face. "I know my name, please stop calling it."

"So how would you prefer I address you?"

"_Kurt."_

"Kurt, this place is full of criminal executers and rapist that are all here for some out of the world mental illness to make up for the fact that they don't think before they act, and that might not be there fault, but you chose to bring yourself to a mental institution to be _controlled_, why?"

"Maybe I just like being controlled." I gave a sour chuckle. "Have you ever woken up and not really been too happy with what you see?"

"Don't we all Mr. Hu… Kurt."

"Yeah." Another chuckle escaped my lips. "Now multiply that number by like 20, and I feel like that all day, everyday."

She nods and picks up her notepad and pencil. "Moderate depression." I grab her hand before she writes that.

"I'm not depressed, no, I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed."

"How do you know that?"

"How do you? Your fancy college book somehow teach you how each individual feels?"

"Infact it did." A twisted smile casted upon her face.

"Those same books misspell words and are biased, I'm not depressed."

"Well what are you then?"

"Misfortunate?"

"Go on."

"I'm not going to tell you my whole life story."

"I wasn't asking for it… Kurt, I want to talk to you about something else as well."

"We were talking about something before?"

"You weighed in at 83 pounds, your 5'11, and 18 years old, there is no way any one of your height and age to weight that little unless you were being starved, and now finally talking to you I'm almost positive it was self-inflicted."

"I have a fast metabolism." I respond shrugging.

"That doesn't explain the vast amount of cuts scattered across your arms and legs. Or the bruises, you have bruises of finger prints Kurt. You are protecting someone."

"No, someone was protecting me… from myself. Look is this over now, I want to go back to my room."

"You may go, we can pick this back up on Thursday."

"I think it's time I checked out."

* * *

Sebastian's POV

Walking into Dalton academy had always been something I enjoyed. I didn't have reason for enjoying it but I did.

"_Who's that?" I asked Nick referring to the short ebony haired boy in the middle of our hall. _

_Nicks head turned fast, a big smile spread over his face. "That's Blaine."_

That's when I stopped enjoying this place so much.

"How dare you!" I screamed bringing my fist in contact with his face; he jolted back, falling hard on the floor looking. "You son of a bitch, don't you ever touch Kurt again ever!

"Sebastian stop!" Jeff screamed trying to hold me back but I was way too upset.

"You don't know what he did." I turned back to respond before being dragged back toward the ground.

I rearranged myself so I was on top of Blaine and steadily punching him in the face too fast for him to properly fight back. I don't know how long I just stood there doing that before he flipped me over so he was on top of me. "What did that liar tell you?"

"He didn't tell me anything because he's too afraid of you!" I responded pushing him hard off of me which might not have been a good idea because it left me open for him to bang my head into the window near us.

"Kurt is insane; he doesn't know what he is talking about."

"Don't talk about him like that!" Pushing him hard into the wall.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?" A loud scream is heard and slaps me back into reality, or maybe that was Blaine but…

"Kurt?" Blaine questions causing me to turn and see the fragile boy looking completely horrified.

"STOP FIGH-…" before he finished that sentence he was on the floor with the warblers running to him; though only 2 people in that room knew what was wrong.

One was me, the other was Blaine.

* * *

A/N: IDEK, I needed to write so I did, I'm not to fond of this chapter but I got done what I needed to get done. It was short but that's because i left cliff-hanger for you guys :) (much love) i kinda got stuck, srrs not srrs . Until next time!

Adios- RadHadder


	11. White

Have you ever woken in a hospital? Have you ever wished you were somewhere but there? To have your body open for anyone's view, to have people constantly coming to conclusions and thinking they know your life story. I mean I'll put it this way; a murder can be completely justified, completely solved and the world has picked their new person to hate, but then 10 years later you find out they were innocent. Logic and reality are two very different things and just because you see a few bruises here and there, _you still don't know me._ Only I know who I am.

* * *

3rd POV

" ." The doctor called referring to Burt who was sitting worriedly across the entrance.

"Is he OK?" Burt asks gathering his coat and rushing over to the doctor. The Warbler's eyes were nailed on the doctor; they had not left the hospital since Kurt was rushed over here. Blaine however was not inside; instead he chose the outdoors to deal with this.

" , can I speak to you privately, I just need to ask you a few questions."

Burt stayed silent and nodded slightly before following the doctor into his office. The office was not that far away but it felt like Africa for him. He sat in the chair placed in front of the large and messy desk full of pictures and manila folders.

"You can breathe Mr. Hummel, Kurt is fine; he is stable and you may see him after I ask a few quick questions." Burt nodded practically begging for him to proceed so he can see his son.

"Have you noticed any weird behavior in your son?"

Burt looked as though he was thinking, but he knew very well that Kurt was different from how he remembered him. "What do you mean?"

"Kurt is exceptionally underweight." He paused. "Too underweight to be healthy, you see the reason he passed out was because he doesn't have enough energy and his body's only way of getting it was to send him back to sleep."

"You're saying…" It was almost a question or a continuation.

"Eating is another way to get energy, giving his current body weight I'd say he was starving himself."

"Kurt would never do that." But he had his doubts easy and they were ringing in his head faster than an Olympic runner. "I mean, I uh," his voice cracking with the possibility of his son doing something to harm his body. "I would give him his space since he's 18, and he would be going to New York soon… I just, I-I should have asked him, I s-sh-should have talked to him."

"Mr. Hummel, this isn't your fault, teenagers stop talking to their parents usually at the age of 14." The doctor says attempting to calm the older man. "Another thing."

Burt head snapped up wondering what that could be. "Cut and bruises are all over him, was he recently in a fight or…"

Burt didn't really have a response for this because he had no idea; had he been that much of a neglectful parent that he didn't see when his own son was harming himself, or worse, getting harmed by another person. "May I see him now?" The doctor nodded with a sympathetic smile casted on his face.

* * *

"I don't really want to fight right now ok." Blaine gritted at the sight of Sebastian walking toward him.

Sebastian just smiled and shook his head. "I'm not going to pretend to like you, because I don't."

Now annoyed. "How do you even know Kurt? Are you someone he fucked or something?"

"Long story… I really just don't get how you can be the reason someone is in the hospital, the reason someone changed who they are and still be so dismissive." He spat on the ground. "Maybe it has to do with this sick state or the ignorant bastards who live in it."

"You don't know _anything _about me."

"I know what you did to Kurt."

"I didn-!" anger filled his voice do to Sebastian's ignorance. "I love him, more than you will ever even comprehend; and I don't know why or how I became what I am but I hate myself every day for it."

"That you justification for it?"

"That's my life." He turned to face the taller boy. "Every day I wake up and remember what I did but… he just lets me; he never stops me." Turning back away from Seb.

"Still not seeing what you did be justified."

"I didn't want to do it you know…" He looked on the verge of tears. "It just, I hit him once and I would've fucking punched myself in the face if he wanted me to, I made up for it I did whatever he said, and we got back together. Then I hit him a second time and he came running back again, I didn't even have to apologize that time." Tears now freely falling down his face. "I'm a sick asshole who used the person I loved more than anything in the world for pain and sex and I wish more than anything I could take it back but it won't change a damn thing."

"So why are you still here? You know that will just hurt him more. I have not the slightest idea why Kurt loves you but he does, and that will never go away with you constantly here."

Tears on his face drying and nothing but guilt washing over him now. "What are you in love with him or something?"

"Love is for children," He began but stopped because now thinking was that something he actually was, in _love_, but he just as fast brushed it off because that just wasn't something Sebastian Smythe thought about. "And if you say you love him and you can do what you're doing to him, then I hope I never do fall in love."

Silence filled the air, no one would even begin to call it comfortable because it was down-right awkward. That's when 2 realizations came, one; that Blaine needed to get help, like mental help (That or either to be punched in the face. Two; that Sebastian now had a reason to be back in this god-forsaken state, he just didn't know exactly what that was or why.

Sebastian turned to walk inside and be with the warbler's, leaving Blaine to think to himself. He had hurt an innocent human being, not only that but it was Kurt, his Kurt, the Kurt that would do anything for any one and deserved the world on a silver platter. And maybe just maybe this Sebastian guy was right, maybe the reason that Kurt couldn't fully recover from his harsh ways was because he was still in the picture; but did he really want to leave Kurt? The answer was no, he liked the control that he got from him, to be honest he didn't want a god damn thing with any of the money Kurt made and most of it was being set aside for the day Kurt got the balls to leave, or did he actually want anyone to put his hands on Kurt in a harsh manner, but he could do it himself, right?

No he didn't want to leave Kurt, but for once he deserved to put something before himself, he might be back, and he's going to see Kurt again in school anyway, but for right now he needed to let Kurt heal because Kurt deserved to heal if nothing else.

* * *

Burt was sitting at the foot of the bed for god knows how long, to be honest he doesn't even remember blinking; but it was as if he was frozen in time. Kurt looked down right deathly; paled skin was lined with a darkened shadow, boney arms were entwined in the thin hospital blanket, an uneven heart beat but a heartbeat none the less was the only sound echoing through the small room. It was only when the tick tock on the clock was changed to a ding informing the beginning of a new hour did he come back to reality.

A heavy breath and the running of fingers through Kurt's once thick and soft hair was now ran through thin lifeless strands. "Kurt…" He wanted to continue so bad but he didn't have a thing to say, he knew it wasn't his fault, but he also knew he wasn't innocent. Kurt couldn't catch a break for anything and I think that's what hurt the most; that he had _always _been going through agony. In that moment he swore he heard a hoarse voice whisper _"I'm sorry dad."_ But when he turned to his son; his lifeless form had not changed.

The warblers soon were given a chance to come into the room singing soft tunes and asking questions to Burt who had not answered a single one. See this is what Kurt didn't get the chance to see; a room full of people who want nothing more but for him to be better, especially a certain person.

Eventually Kurt awoken and was faced with 3 warblers and his father in the next room on a bench in the hall way. He only had one request; "_where's Blaine."_

There was only one answer. "_He left."_

Kurt never needed to know about the smaller details of that day because in time; when he did find out, they would hurt like hell. So he just cried and not a single person moved to comfort him; not even Sebastian, because he just needed to cry it out, all of it.

_There is this thing about murder cases that I figure I should add onto this ass well, even if it takes 10 maybe even 20 years to get your justice; you'll get it, you always do._

* * *

A/N: So for any Blaine-stands (though I don't know why you'd be reading this) who are reading this story, boom! I didn't make him that much of an asshole! This is the begging of the road to beautiful recovery, and the many slip ups I plan to come with it!

See you all soon, Reviews and Follows are lovely.

Adios-RadHadder


	12. Pink

_Intelligence; _I don't really like that word. I mean who is to say that so called intelligence has to make you a brain surgeon or Einstein? I can point out any color of any fabric by memory; but I still can't quite get AP calc. Am I stupid; I hope not?

I just don't feel as though someone's mental capacity should be tested in a book. We as humans aren't set up to be a curriculum or a standard for the rest of mankind. Who is to say there is a Jesus, who is to say bread is full of carbs? I can't prove any of those things, and maybe the next person can but why the hell am I listening to them? It's because we as humans need answers, we need a stereotype to set upon another or a rate in which one should be picking up information so others can be looked down upon. We as humans are the smartest breed in the world, but still can't look past our own history to substitute ignorance.

* * *

"Kurt?" I heard it; yes. Was I reacting to it; no. Whoever it was could wait because I was fucking sleeping and there was only one person who could actually get me out of bed when I was sleeping and that was _Blaine_. Usually it was because if I didn't listen to him it would be followed by a beating; but I think it had more to do with my unhealthy obsession to impress my boyfriend, because that's what we were; I think.

"Kurt." I shuffled around a bit, slightly opening my eyes, still not ready to let the light surface into them. That's when I saw the 5'8 boy looking down upon me with a hurting smile constantly falling in rising on his face.

I instantly jumped up; and no it wasn't because I was scared because what the hell is he going to do to me in a hospital, but more importantly what the hell was he doing here? "Blaine? What the hell."

"I had to wait until you parents and warblers left before I could come back." And awkward laugh escaped his lips.

"For what?"

"Kurt just… just be quiet for a second." He smiled brighter. "I figure I should somewhat explain myself… You remember when I first hit you? 'member how you didn't talk to me for 9 and a half days, and the one time you did it was to tell me how you weren't going to ever let anyone who's supposed to love you put their hands on you because you get enough of it already?" Blaine was crying, actual tears, like actual real tears. "It took 328 dollars and some really good car sex to make you forgive me."

I chuckled at the memory that felt so distant; Blaine shifter uncomfortably before continuing. "I thought that was the sexiest thing I had ever seen in my life by the way, I swear you're such a chick sometimes… but I loved that about you. Then I hit you again, and I left that bruise on your face and you covered for me, remember that?" He shook his head in dismay. "Kurt you let me do just about anything I wanted to do after that, and it's not that I stopped loving you because I swear to god if anyone ever touched you who I didn't let I would kill them, but that's the most hypocritical thing I have ever said because I do that every day of your life. I just wanted the control, and no one really understands it till they have someone dropping to their knees just for you. I took complete advantage of you and I hate myself every day for it but it's like no matter what I do to you, you just let me, and it's not an excuse but, I just, _I don't know."_

Now I was crying, and I was crying like hell for absolutely no reason, maybe it was because today and yesterday were the first time I actually had something to cry about, to cry for… myself, no one else. "Blaine I swear I won't leave you."

"I know." He smiled. "But I can't keep doing this to you Kurt, I can't hurt you anymore, I can't be the reason you look like skin and bones, or that you've had sex with more guys than a playboy bunny."

"We can fix each other."

"Kurt, we're _toxic."_

I was shaking my head and crying and screaming and trembling, "I'll lose more weight, I'll get more money just please; I have _nothing_ except you."

"No Kurt," Once again shaking his head. "You had everything, I just took that away from you." So he picked up his leather bag and left before I could fit in another word, and only one thing replayed throughout my mind.

_Kurt, we're toxic_

_Kurt, were toxic_

_Kurt, we're toxic_

_Kurt, we're toxic_

* * *

_**3**__**rd**__** POV**_

To say Kurt was regretting this was an understatement, he looked down at the scale, a both anxious and nervous look on his face. He stepped onto it hesitantly before getting on all together.

83.7 pounds; god dammit, water weight from the IV had brought him up 4 pounds.

He sighed and pulled his hair from off his face and releasing what he could rid of the contents in his stomach before wiping his mouth and looking in the large bathroom mirror. Any 18 year old boy shouldn't be 83.7 pound… not even elves, 10 years ago he would never have worn gray over-sized sweat shirts as a daily fashion trend, or purposefully injure his flawless porcelain skin, so what changed?

"What the hell did you do to yourself?" He wasn't asking, he wasn't sad; he was infuriated with everything, and did not think much by it when he picked up the iPod doc and smashed it into his window.

He slid down the bathroom door, knees pressed against his chest, and face planted in his hands. He actually looked so pitiful but no one could see him so who cares. He reached over to the drawer attached to his sink and pulled out what he was looking for; his razor.

Kurt hadn't cut in 3 weeks, it had been one of those things that he only did when he was at his lowest, but that didn't stop him from pulling it across his wrist this time, cutting for every son of a bitch who wronged him. One for the man who changed him, two for the man who left him, and three for himself for letting it affect him.

He didn't move to get up clean or anything because no one would be home for a long time and what was actually waiting for him outside those doors? He closed his eyes but was brutally interrupted by the vibration in his pocket.

**Sebastian 7:06**

**Get dressed princess, how do you feel about a road trip?**

Kurt didn't have to think much about that because he would do anything to get out of this godforsaken town with nothing but bad memories.

* * *

My intelligence is measured by experience, you see; I go up, and when you start at the top… you just kinda… stay there.

* * *

A/n: KLAINE SEQUENCES ARE NOT UP, BLAINE IS NOT A NEW ANGEL, AND KURTBASTIAN WILL NOT BE CANON NEXT CHAP. But it is a step to the land of success.

Kurt and Seb will establish where they stand next chapter because they have kinda been everywhere as of late and I need that to settle.

Blaine isn't in next chapter btw (yayyyyy)

I need to sleep.

Adios-RadHader


	13. Orange

I was settled into Sebastian's car; head rested against the window and my feet propped on the seat causing my knees to make an upside down V shape. Sebastian's car had a particular smell I was fond of, I know that's an odd thing to say but it was quite mesmerizing. No, it didn't smell like Sebastian; but you could smell that he had been in here, it was almost as though a mixture of fresh Hawaiian beach water and smelly lacrosse play; that part probably being the taller boys fault.

"Why did you and Blaine fight?" It was such a simple question yet the answer was so important. Did Blaine hit Sebastian too? Was Blaine cheating on me with him? I sure hope not because that would be one hell of a bummer.

"I figured I'd back you up, it wasn't all too hard to figure out what beautiful boy Blainey had been doing to you. Besides, if e's going to do the crime, he might as well be better at hiding it."

That was his answer but Kurt heard right past it; words yelling 'I was trying to protect you' filled his ears. "I don't need you to protect me."

A smirk spread across his face like Nutella on wheat bread. "Debatable princess."

I shook my head in mock disappointment. "What even is this name?"

"What princess?" He turned to look at me, taking his eyes off the road for a quick second. "Well Cinderfella, it fits you."

"You saying I look like a girl?" I smiled, faking being hurt by the comment.

That caused him to burst into short laughs and chuckles. "You said it not me."

I gave up and leaned back against the crook between the seat and the door. Comfortable silence surrounded us and I couldn't help but gain curiosity about the life Sebastian had that I wasn't a part of. "What was Paris like?"

He smiled again obviously happy to tell me of this story, or maybe happy of the memories that came with it. "You shouldn't ask things you don't want the answer to."

"That bad huh?" I asked sarcastically.

"That bad." He laughed.

I took a deep breath before deciding to not go out without a fight. "Come on… don't be such a pussy Seb, just tell me."

He didn't say anything just looked back at me with that same stupid smile hung on his face. "I fucked a lot of guys, most of them are nameless, and the rest are faceless."

"Must have been fun." I shrugged.

He let out a breath. "You tell me, I mean you do the same thing right?"

"Seb don't do that."

"Okay, we don't have to talk about it, were leaving that fucking place for tonight anyway."

It was only then that I noticed we weren't in Ohio, I mean I had seen the sign saying "Welcome to Pennsylvania" but I had paid it absolutely no mind. And once again we were silent… I will however say it was a silence I was fond of; I mean usually I was quite fond of silence. Loud words were usually Blaine's yelling or Rachel's rants about sectional song, or Tina's 'no one cares about me' rambling. But oh so soon it was once again cut off by my curiosity; this time having to do with something I had paid no attention to until this very moment, and that kind of shocked me.

"Seb what is this?"

He took his eyes off the road. "Hmm?"

"I mean, like us… are we like, I don't know friends or am I just your pity party, or…" My voice died out a bit.

He let out an 'uhh' and turned back to the road as if he were thinking of the right thing to say. "I'm here to protect you, I mean that's what I did before, and it's what I will always do. No need for some fancy title, titles are for babies.

I smiled brightly because I knew Sebastian would be there for me, if or when I need him, even when I look like this. "Thanks Seb, really thank you."

"Anything for you princess."

* * *

3rd POV

"Kurt, eat it." Sebastian knew after Kurt starving himself for so long that scarfing down all the food in front of him wouldn't be healthy; but Kurt hadn't even touched the food. Sebastian wasn't Blaine, he didn't want people he cared about to look like a skeletal system.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking about Blaine and…" Kurt voice trailed off and he doesn't even want to think about how Blaine will feel about him gaining weight. When someone as tiny as Kurt begins to eat, it doesn't take long to see changes, and boy was Kurt aware of that.

Sebastian roughly took his hand taking Kurt by surprise. "Kurt look at me," Which Kurt did. "I am not Blaine, and I will never be Blaine ok. I might be the biggest asshole in the world, but I won't do harm to the project of an even bigger asshole." He pushed the plate in front of Kurt's face. "Eat the fucking food."

Kurt nodded and grabbed the fork taking small bites and struggling to swallow them with Sebastian watching attentively on him. "You know I don't even think it matters," He swallowed finally. "Blaine said he was going to try and leave me alone, he said I kept letting him do the things he did to me." I laughed bitterly thinking about the ridiculousness of it all. "God I'm such an idiot; Blaine was way out of my league to begin with."

"Why do you always do that, why do you always put yourself down?"

Kurt thought for a minute not really knowing if he should even answer to this question. "Because if I tell myself I do everything right, I'll get everything wrong I guess."

Sebastian gulped because he couldn't even believe what he was about to say. "Kurt you're beautiful, and not just street looks, like you need to be on the cover of a magazine beautiful, but this," Pointing to Kurt. "This isn't Kurt, this is something less beautiful, it's scarred, and in a way it's the best kind of art, but scars always look better when they heal."

Kurt shook his head. "Thanks but, you don't really get it."

"Maybe I wasn't supposed to."

* * *

Sebastian's POV

It took Kurt 3 minutes and 52 seconds to fall asleep after dinner. He hadn't eaten much of it, about a quarter of the steak and half of the already sparse mashed potatoes; but it was something, and that's all I wanted.

When he finally did wake up the first thing I heard was the boys high pitched scream from beside me. "SEB! ARE WE… ARE WE IN NEW YORK?"

I laughed loudly shushing him at the same time. "Calm down princess, let me show you where we're staying."

New York definitely ad some original features like the packed city, and the tight streets full of stores and family coffee shops. I remember my first time here, my dad wanted me off his chest so me and my nanny at the time (I was 15 by the way) took the trip up here; it was a good time to say the least, but more importantly it was an escape, and that's what I wanted with Kurt.

I pulled into the familiar apartment complex, though I would never really call this mansion sized home and apartment. I swear the moment my parents made their first million they went ballistic and bought anything in sight, including this oversized bedroom that they would never visit but still pushed out the pocket change to keep it running.

Kurt's eye lit up like a Christmas tree and stared at it in awe. I have to be honest, I had been rich practically all my life, and some of my parents' homes still amazed me; this on included. The complex was made completely of glass and when you walked in you were greeted with a gentlemen in an overpriced suit with a genuinely happy smile on his face. The spiral stairs were almost glued with decor and unnecessary diamonds here and there. The rooms were even more fantastic; the tiles purified white and orange silk covering the bed attached to the wall in the corner. The kitchen had updated appliances and stuff I still had no idea how to use, and a closet the size of the average master bedroom which produced a loud squeal from Kurt.

"What the hell do your parents do for a living?" He asked with his mouth hung open.

"I honestly have no idea." I smiled at him. "Come on, were going out."

"No clubbing please."

I chuckled. "Come on princess you know me better than that."

* * *

Yes I did in fact invite an 80 pound prostitute to go to a carnival with me and I have absolutely no regrets. Honestly you can't see much of a sickness in Kurt with the tick layers he wore. I mean yes, to anyone who even somewhat knew him could easily see a difference, but none of these people even knew his first initial; there was no judge mental looks or disapproving stares.

I lost track of exactly how many rides we rode that night, but I know it had been a while since I had seen Kurt smile so much, if ever. That should make me happy but instead it made my blood boil, how could any heartless bastard put someone through such horrible things? And I swear if I could rip Blaine's head from his neck it if meant Kurt would be less likely to be hurt, but I know that would hurt him.

This whole time I had been calling Kurt a coward when I hadn't even processed how brave he actually was, but what do you do when you come from a world of nothing? How do you pick it back up?

* * *

Kurt's POV

I hadn't smiled this much in such a long time I forgot what happiness felt like. I was on cloud nine, cloud 700 if there was one, and to end this perfectly day perfectly I was now on Sebastian's apartment (mansion) wrapped in silk and drinking tea. I hadn't even asked how many calories were in it or even thought about the consequences that followed when the high dropped. This was heaven.

"You cold?" Sebastian asked from behind me holding another blanket in his hands.

I looked back and smiled at him. "No, thank you." I turned back to face the city below me. "God it's perfect here."

"Then," He sits. "You should come here, you know for college and all."

I hadn't put much though into college, I needed to be where Blaine was, and he was stuck in Ohio for another year, besides he had missed the winter deadlines. "I think I need to stay in Ohio."

"You know what I think?" He leans over so our faces are inches apart. "I think that's bullshit." And before I could even laugh he connected our lips quickly before pulling away and smiling.

It had no significance except a reassurance of 'don't disagree with me, I'm right.' Whether or not he was I didn't know… but this was what _whole_ felt like. And whole was a Sebastian thing.

* * *

A/N: WINTERBREAK IS OFFICIAL! So I'm hoping updates, updates, updates. I am going to new York to go shopping soon though, so no updates them, but soon people, soon. I just figured out how i want this to end and i am SO EXCITED FOR IT, it's gonna be good, i promise.

There isn't much to say here, you guys are absolutely amazing and thank you so much for the reviews and the follows!

Adios-RadHadder


	14. Burgendy

I JUST WANT TO SAY IM SORRY. For my lack of updates that I said I would be giving in the break time. Currently I am in time square shopping, then I was with my friends hanging around doing crap teenagers do before I whisk away in my college years and have a shit ton of work to do. BUT NOT I SHALL RETURN to writing before my friend and I go to eat. Alright let's do this.

* * *

The ride home was silent; I want to say it was a comfortable silence but in all honesty it wasn't. I would not necessarily say it was uncomfortable either but it was just… silent. The types of silence when you want to say something but you are literally at a loss of words.

Kurt shuffled in his seat so that his elbows were holding him up and his body was toward Sebastian. "Thanks for this, Seb… one day I'll pay you back for it."

He laughed and shook his head. "Don't worry about it princess, pay me back by promising to pick my dunk ass up in the night if the time comes."

"Done!" I yelled with sarcastic humor, producing a laugh from the both of us.

I felt something touch my hand and immediately tensed before realizing it was Sebastian's and relaxing somewhat. This was awkward, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.

"Kurt can I ask you something?" Sebastian asks, seriousness covering his voice.

I was scared as to what the question what be but the quickly turned to curiosity. "Shoot."

He hesitated as if he were forming the question in his head. "What happened with Blaine, I mean what is he like… doing to you?"

"That's a complicated question."

"Kurt," He pulled over into the emergency lane and looked at me dead in the eyes. "I don't know what you went through, but I want to help get you passed it…"

"Why the sudden interest?" I smiled.

He shook his head and smiled. "Another deal, yes? You tell me, I tell you."

"Fine," I took a deep breath before beginning. "I started getting bullied really bad by this guy Kurofsky,"

"Dave? What a fag… ok continue."

I frowned a bit at his choice for label but proceeded anyway. "So he threatened to kill me when he kissed me, pretend I didn't tell you that by the way, and I moved to Dalton with my parents honeymoon money."

I continued. "So I meant Blaine on the staircase and he sung this _amazing _version of teenage dream, I mean anyone with working hormones would have fallen in love with him; I'm sure you would know that."

"In the past, but go on." He showed.

"He finally showed interest in me and we started going out and stuff. We got into this one argument about something stupid like me snapping my fingers at wait staff or something and he just hit me, square in the jaw."

Sebastian murmured under his teeth. "_Bastard_."

"I didn't talk to him for a week and a half and he finally made me forgive him when he bought me a whole bunch of shit and gave me a blow job in his back seat."

Sebastian made an 'ew' face.

"Then we were good for a really long time until this boy chandler started texting me, and maybe I was wrong there with letting him flirt with me but it was a delicate situation _okay. _So he got pissed and hit me again, but I felt so bad about chandler that I didn't do shit. I guess that when whatever this thing was started."

He nodded. "What about the prostitution thing?"

"That's another story for another time, Blaine wanted me to do it, and I was fucking good at it so it happened."

"I found you passed out in scandals may I remind you..."

"yeah, yeah, it happens."

This caused Sebastian to let out a loud laugh before pulling back onto the highway. "You mind if we stop at my house before I drop you off, I'm heading back to Dalton and I'm trying to make this a one way trip."

"Sure captain, you're in charge."

* * *

We walked into Sebastian's now familiar and large home. He dropped his keys on the table near the door and continued to walk upstairs. "Hey Seb!" I screamed up the stairs. "You never told me what you wanted to tell me."

I crossed my arms knowing that he heard me, waiting for him to finish rummaging through clothes. He walked down the stair with lacrosse bad and his jacket lay over his arm.

"Well come on, spit it out."

He sighed and slumped a bit. "The reason I want, no, the reason I _need _you to get better is because_… _Uh,"

"Come on Seb, don't be such a pussy." I smiled.

He hesitated again before rushing it out. "I'm moving back to France…" And just like that my smile dropped.

* * *

A/N this was simply a filler for a bigger storyline that you will LOVE , if all goes right that is, and I tend to stop following my chapter plans…

OH WELL

Adios- RadHadder


	15. Fuchsia

_I'm moving back to France_

_I'm moving back to France_

_I'm moving back to France_

The words still lingered in my ear like a loud echo after an all-night rock concert; and I know I had been staring at him for god knows how long now, but I couldn't bring myself to actually create a response.

"w-w-why, I mean, like you just came back," I avoided his I contact and rushed the words out quickly trying to not look completely pathetic but knowing I was failing miserably.

He laughed a bit before responding, "I'll be back eventually, I just, I need to be home for some stuff that's going on right now."

"What stuff?" I looked up hoping it was something easily fixable so he would be back soon.

"Personal stuff, ok; let's drop it." He answered raising his eyebrows and turning toward the kitchen.

I grabbed his arm roughly, or at least I thought it was rough and pulled him back so he was looking me straight in the eye. "I tell you everything Seb, tell me this, especially since you're leaving."

He breathed out before leaning his head back and releasing a groan. "Kurt, I ask you your personal information because it might help you recover, I'm perfectly fine."

"Which leads me to believe you're not perfectly fine." I respond tugging his arm again after feeling him try to walk away.

He looked at me before sighing and standing still. "Fine princess, but whatever the hell happened to me before shouldn't change how you look at me, I am still a complete asshole and badass and I do not need sympathy, deal?"

I nodded in understanding.

He lets out another sigh before continuing. "I got raped too, when I was 14, that's why I moved to Paris,"

"So why are you leaving again?" I asked, confused as to what this statement was leaving to.

He shrugged and dug his now free hands into his pocket. "Too many memories, being around here, it kinda sucks sometimes you know, and I thought taking you to New York would help out with that, but, it's was still the place that horrible shit happened in when I came back, and I just need to get out for a while."

"Sebastian, when do you leave?"

"Tomorrow I guess; bought the tickets on a whim last night so I wouldn't regret it."

You see Sebastian wasn't one to have anything bad happen to him; he was lucky really. He had a super star face, a charismatic attitude, and most importantly; _no baggage_. When you were with him it was all about the never ending high, you had absolutely nothing in the world to think about. Maybe that's why I somewhat skipped sectionals, maybe that's why I escaped to New York and sent my dad one stupid text, and maybe that's why for the first time ever, I ate and I had one fucking good time. But with all highs; they eventually die out, and all you have left is the bullshit that is cold hard reality.

Sebastian was raped, and that by itself was just fucking horrible, but how the hell do I help? I went through the same shit so many times that I just forgot to remember how I got through it, it's like a pulse now, and my body just does it: doesn't need my permission.

"Seb, I'm like so sorry, and I wish I could help, like anything…"

He laughed again. "Kurt you're way to fucked up to help anyone."

To be honest that one hurt, right inside, just because I thought I was getting better and that should be noticed, but at the same time, I hadn't even gained a full pound yet so I guess in time progression would occur. I reached out to give him this… _hug?_ I guess we'll call it that today. "Sebastian…"

However he quickly swatted my hands away. "See! You pity me, stop that, I can take being here, it's just sometimes I want a break from it ok,"

"What about the Warblers." I ask as my last resort to get him to stay.

"What about them, they made it without me here before, I'm sure they can do it again."

"What do you want me to do, I can get better, I'm trying."

He laughed again and shook his head. "Are you really, I mean I want to be there for you and protect you through anything but I'm not doing it by myself, you have to want it too, and I swear it's like you don't care if you killing yourself."

Honestly, I couldn't make him stay, I couldn't make him be uncomfortable or unhappy, I just really didn't want him to go; because inevitably I would return to Blaine, and no matter what he said, Blaine would be there waiting for me.

I nodded giving up, "Call me when you get back."

"Kurt…"

"Seb I can't promise I'll get better, I can't even promise I'll try, but it didn't matter when you were here, because I wasn't with just `anybody, I was with _you."_

* * *

I was driving again. And I really should stop driving when I'm upset because it never leads to good thing, and now I am parked once again on the emergency lane, breaking my skin with blades that I should have thrown away but of course that just did not occur.

And I shouldn't have done it but it was done now.

**From Kurt:**

**Can I see you? 10:55**

And within seconds there was the response of a simple "sure."

* * *

Blaine's house looks exactly the same as when I had last seen it, not really in feature, but it had that same 'you know exactly what you're doing to yourself' feeling. I raised my hand to knock on the door which reluctantly opened with the site of Mr. Anderson on his way out.

"Kurt!" He screamed and pulled me into a hug. "I haven't seen you in forever; I swear Blaine's been hiding you!"

I hugged back and smiled brightly at him. He was actually a really nice guy, he was just always busy, and he was almost never there for Blaine. "Good to see you too."

"Well I have a business meeting to go to, um Blaine's upstairs, I'll see you soon hopefully Kurt."

I smiled again and moved over so he could leave to his meeting, which he did quickly and I made my way upstairs and knocked on Blaine's door.

"Come in." He sighed loudly and I opened the door shyly.

"Your dad left, he had a meeting."

He sighed again and moved the popcorn bowl off his lap. "He's going to go cheat on my mother…" He said it casually before moving to stand in front of me, moving a piece of hair off my face. "I told you to stay away."

"You didn't tell me not to come."

He nods before taking a fistful of my hair and harshly connecting our lips. It doesn't stay that way for long; we pull apart to take a breath. "God I missed this." Blaine says before backing up and sitting back on the bed looking me dead in the eyes. "You got skinnier."

He was wrong, I didn't get skinnier, I just didn't wear as many layers, especially with spring coming up there was no need; it would raise questions.

"You want something to eat?" He raised his eye brows and propped himself on his elbows.

"Do you want me to eat something?"

He smiled and shook his head. "No,"

"So you like me skinny?" I had never actually asked him why he never wanted me to eat, I honestly don't see why, it was a legitimate question.

"I like you _mine_; I mean do you honestly think you can survive without someone telling you what to do?"

"No." It was true in all honesty, I did well when I was with Sebastian because he wanted me to, I did bad when I was with Blaine because that's what he wanted.

"You're submissive Kurt, you'll always come back."

"I know."

He stood once again and centered himself in front of me. "So it's time to show you who's in charge again. Take it off; all of it."

I nodded and obeyed stripping down my clothes down to my boxers.

"Turn around." Which I did.

He ran his fingers over my reseeding hip bones and moved to my back over my spine. He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed behind my ear. "You're so beautiful you know." He moved his hands down to my sides and squeezed them, hard enough to make me bite my lips to prevent from wincing. "You know what I love the most about you?" He bit down on my shoulder. "You're so good, so innocent."

I shuttered under his touch. "Just fuck me already."

He snatched my arms back behind me, "Oh trust me I will," he pulled down my pants in a haste and twisted me around and rested me on his hips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked at him surprised, this was new. "But first, teach me how to make love."

I nodded and put myself on the floor before connecting our lips and removing his button down. "Just, be gentle, and it'll kind of just… click." I whispered and he nodded raising his hands to my face and kissing me somewhat like the way our first kiss went. We moved back to the bed and flopped backwards on it, feet intertwined and clothes being stripped, this was new kind of high, but it settled so low. I didn't feel _free, _I felt _privileged. _

He moved over to pull the lube out of his drawer and in time inserted himself into me. It was singly the most intimate moment I had ever had, but for some reason Blaine wasn't who I was thinking about, it was Sebastian.

So what did that mean? Had whatever this was between me and Blaine died out? I want to say yes so bad, but Blaine would always be there whether I wanted him to or not.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked all of a sudden, causing him to stop thrusting his hips.

"For you, yes you're submissive, but you're a person, and if 100 other times I get to beat the shit out of you, just this once, I can actually do what you want."

"I can leave you, you know." I whispered.

He sighed. "I know, but you won't."

I nodded. "Go ahead, why'd you stop?"

He smiled down at me and continued the motion he was doing before. "I love you Kurt,"

"I love you too."

* * *

A/N: don't be mad, just don't be ok. I'm getting to fixing that, I'm getting to it,

Next chapter will be all sorts of fuckery, its just gonna be everywhere really, we'll see where it goes.

If you need to know what I am doing btw, if im writing or if im busy; my tumblr name is** imsogleefu**l , if you click on the fics tab, it lets you know when I am writing, and sometimes if you'll like the chap or not, it'll also tell you what day I plan on writing and ish like that.

I want to begin another Klaine story, but if I do then I know this one will get updated less, and the high chance I'll start shipping kadam, we shall see. If it isn't clear I am a Kurt-stan, so you won't see any sebklaine or shiz like that. I could do a mini seblaine though, I can handle that, I can even so blam, I just want Kurt out of it.

Don't know why any of that is important, I just want you to know that if I do start a new story this wont be updated as often so we'll see.

I guess that's all, im back in school now so that's why ive been so busy.

Make sure to follow and review this and all other things that make me smile

Adios-RadHadder


	16. 50 Shades

_WAKE UP._

"_I'm not going to hurt you…"_

"_You scared?"_

"_You're pathetic."_

"_Good boy."_

"_So stop disappointing me."_

"_Blaine told me to look after you."_

"_Yeah ok."_

"_You're a whore, and that's all you'll ever be."_

"_What the hell happened to you?"_

"_What's wrong?"- "Nothing." -"You're lying."_

"_Could you be a little less useless?"_

_"I have been here for 3 minutes Kurt, which is 2 minutes and 59 seconds too much."_

"_Romeo and Juliet is an age old story about unaccepted love between 2 unfortunate people in unfortunate circumstances."_

_"You left! And fate has all this lined up to go some way, you were supposed to leave me , but it doesn't make it hurt any less!"_

_So what do you? You just keep swimming._

_"You'll figure it out. I don't know when, I don't know what you will have to go through to get there but I promise you, that you will be fine"_

_There is this thing about mistakes; you cannot run from them. Once you make them, they can't leave you, and you can't leave them._

_"Let me make something very clear to you Kurt, I own you."_

_"Those same books misspell words and are biased, I'm not depressed."_

_"I'm not going to pretend to like you, because I don't."_

"_Then I hit him a second time and he came running back again, I didn't even have to apologize that time."_

_"Love is for children,"_

_"Kurt, we're toxic."_

_"I think that's bullshit."_

_"That's a complicated question."_

_"I'm moving back to France…"_

_"Seb I can't promise I'll get better, I can't even promise I'll try, but it didn't matter when you were here, because I wasn't with just `anybody, I was with you."_

_"You're submissive Kurt, you'll always come back."_

_"I love you Kurt,"_

"_I love you too."_

I laughed a bit remembering these last few months, how they had slipped by so fast with no hint of stability. I mean Sebastian was right, I needed to want to be better for myself, but Blaine was right too; I was submissive, and I would always come back.

You want to know what hurts? Well, really everything, but what really hurts is the fact that I don't see myself caring about any of these things. I don't see a future for myself, I missed sending in my NYADA forms, I missed sectionals, I hadn't been to school for a whole 2 days a week in a month, and to make matters worse, I just did not care about any of that.

I didn't know whether Blaine and I would make it, I didn't know if Sebastian was going to come back, but I honestly just felt so empty as of late. Like no matter what happened to me, my future was death, I kind of just moseyed on down the rest of my life.

Sure I wanted to be on Broadway, or a world famous fashion designer, but let's be real. Those dreams faded behind everything else life had to throw at me. Sometimes I wish I would have made more of my existence. Never come out the closet, work my body to the point of every muscle being enlarged, join a sports team and get those jerseys I have always wanted, lower my voice so I didn't sound so damn girly; but I reckon I would be just as unhappy then as I was now.

You ever wonder how you could be so unlucky, but you're surroundings have so much focus, so much drive.

Like Rachel, who we all know will make it to a stage if it kills her. Or Quinn, the smartest and prettiest girl to walk McKinley, Or Blaine, pretty much promised a singing career. Mike, a dancer, Mercedes, sold out concerts worldwide, Brittany and Santana, well paid cheerleaders for the world's best football team. Then there's me; I couldn't even dress well these days, not to mention attempt _really_ singing. I was down-right hopeless, and what can you make of something that was nothing.

So that's why I am here, in the middle of a field near some old cabin that was abandoned a long time ago, nothing but me and my voice, and endless possibilities to come from that combination.

I began lightly humming and blowing cold air from my mouth producing smoke.

Just waking up in the morning

And to be well,

Quite honest with ya,

I ain't really sleep well

Ya ever feel like your train of thought's been derailed?

That's when you press on - Lee nails

Half the population's just waitin to see me fail

Yeah right, you're better off trying to freeze hell

Some of us do it for the females

And others do it for the retail

But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on

Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong

And I'll be in your corner like Mick, baby, 'til the end

Or when you hear a song from that big lady

"_You have to want it too,"_

Until the referee rings the bell

Until both your eyes start to swell

Until the crowd goes home

What we gonna do ya'll?

"And that's all you'll ever be…"

"SHUT UP!" I scream, rocking back and forth and singing louder.

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life 'til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

Here comes the fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,

This one's a fighter

Because I'm not fucking worthless,

And if I can last thirty rounds

There's no reason you should ever have your head down

Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds

Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town

Text book version of a kid going nowhere fast

And now I'm yelling, "Kiss my ass"

It's gonna take a couple right hooks, a few left jabs

For you to recognize you really ain't got it bad

I'm extraordinary,

Until the referee rings the bell

Until both your eyes start to swell

Until the crowd goes home

What we gonna do ya'll?

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life 'til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

Here comes the fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,

This one's a fighter

I'm not hopeless,

What we gonna do ya'll

What we gonna do ya'll

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor

And when your bones can't take no more

Just remember what you're here for

Cuz I know Imma damn sure

I'm a _fighter_.

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life 'til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

Here comes the fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,

This one's a fighter

'Til the referee rings the bell

'Til both ya eyes start to swell

'Til the crowd goes home,

What we gonna do kid?

I'm crying, really hard, like I can't see past my tears and my knees are throbbing from hugging them so damn hard. But I wasn't crying for Blaine, or for Sebastian, or for glee, or anything else; I was crying for myself. Because I _deserved _happiness, I deserved to feel special, and I deserved to be able to feel all of that without another person acting on it.

If I'm dirt broke trying to be a fashion designer, or if I get turned down by every show I audition for, it shouldn't fucking matter, because when I fall all I have to do is get right back up.

So I stomped to my car with nothing but pure anger on my face and hurt, but under that was a sheer smile, a sheer smile that said you're a fighter; now fight.

* * *

I knocked heavily on Blaine's door, not feeling the need to be patient and finding a very upset and disturbed Blaine in front of me. "Where the hell did you go last night?"

I shoved a box into his hands and targeted my eyes to level with his. "Here's your shit." I spat, and not bothering to say anything more. I back up away quickly turning so I couldn't see his face.

"Have you lost your mind?" He asked completely stuck and I responded still walking up right to my car.

"I actually think I found it…" I smiled and got into my navigator, there was only one place I needed to be, and my car simply was not driving me fast enough.

I had not bothered to ask Sebastian what flight he was taking, but I knew he would be on one late. I knew he wanted me to come and stop him from getting on the plane, and more importantly, he wanted to make sure that I would.

"Excuse me," I took the attention of the lady at the window. "When is the next flight to Paris?"

"9 o'clock is the only one departing today, however we do have more co-"

"Thank you!" I screamed and dashed off before letting her finish, it was 8:42 when I got out the car and if I was going to make it, I was definitely not going to stay and converse with her.

The sight walking in was quite the confidence knocker. I couldn't see anything pass the crowds of people, IT'S A FUCKING TUESDAY, what are you guys doing here? Then again, I wouldn't wait for an opportunity to leave this god forsaken place either so let me get back to focus on finding Sebastian.

I locked up at the screen showing me where each plane left. Paris… Nine o'clock… North wing… Gate 12. And of course I had to be in the west wing, because life and I have a bit of a bittersweet relationship. I didn't even know I was capable of running as fast I could, all I know is I was running. Why was our airport this big anyway? Who left Lima, Ohio? I honestly didn't even know where I was running; I just hoped that a Gate 12 would eventually pop up at one point.

"Kurt?" I heard someone call and I stopped instantly in my tracks realizing the voice. I turned my head hoping to land eyes on the person calling me before feeling hands grab roughly on my lower back. "Kurt calm down." He chuckled.

I turned and finally relaxed seeing Sebastian in front of me. And I just started talking non-stop, just hoping I could fix this before 9 o'clock. "Sebastian, you were right okay, I mean you're kind of right about everything which also somewhat makes you an asshole but it's just like I don't even care that you're an asshole and I usually do. What I am saying is that I really want to get better now, and not for you of for Blaine, I want to get better for me. And I feel like the second you leave, this high or whatever I am on right now is going to die out and I will go right back to Blaine which I really don't want to do because I may or may not have permanently broken up with him and that would just be embarrassing. Not to mention I feel like a whole new person when I am with you, like anything is possible and anything is reachable, and I know I am a pain in the ass but I will work really hard to not be, and fix everything that is wrong and go to school, like a college, like NYADA or make my own fashion line, I can even name it after you! And I want you to go I really do, if this place makes you uncomfortable or feel bad then who am I to make you stay, but I need you to promise me and really mean it that you'll come back and everything will be fine, because I just need to know that som-"

And then his lips were on mine and I didn't give two shits about what I was saying anymore because god did this feel good.

He pulled away and chuckled which cause my face to drop in astonishment. "Kurt you talk a lot." He rolled his eyes.

"I do not!" I hit him playfully on the arm before laughing myself.

"Come with me..."

"Where?" I smiled.

"To Paris you idiot." He smiled.

"Your plane leaves in like 10 minutes and I don't even have clothes or a ticket…"

He smiled and kissed me again, just a peck but it still lingered and felt like more than any of Blaine and I's.

"I may or may not have bought 2 tickets just in case you came for me."

"Clothes, money, a house, did you forget I need all those things?"

"Dude I'm a millionaire, I can by you all new clothes, and a house, and money, just come with me…"

I was quiet for some time. What was the better decision? Stay with Blaine, or move to Paris, you would think that would be an easy call, but look at all I was leaving behind. "Okay."

No words were said after that, I just wrapped my fingers around his and ignored the stares we got on the way to the plane, a new me.

* * *

Dear dad,

I have tried to write this letter 9 times now, and I am deciding to just keep whatever is made of this one. First I want to start by saying I am sorry for not telling you what was going on with me.

Long story short I was starving myself, and selling myself. I am choosing to leave out any detail as to why, but know that I had one.

I am in Paris with Sebastian my old friend from when i was a kid. Also dad, I was raped when I was 11. I should have told you but it would have been pointless since I can't remember the faces of the people who did it.

I'll be safe, and don't run up your heart by worrying. I am fine now, in fact better than I have been in a long while.

And dad, most of all I just want to say thank you… remember when you said I would get through this, well I did, and I couldn't have done any of that had it not been for you.

Love,

Kurt.

**A/N: How would you feel if I told you there were only 2-3 more chapters left! I know it's been quite the ride hasn't it (Well not really) the ending will be quite surprising though, but I promise a very happy Kurt next week. (Well for the most part) **

**I started a Klaine story names sector 7 and I suggest you take 10 minutes out of your day to read the first chapter. **

**Review and follow and all, and I will hopefully see you all soon!**

**Adios-RadHadder**


	17. Granite

Sebastian could get used to waking up and looking at Kurt. Four months, four months they've been living together and he was still so fucking in love with that boy. However, today he wasn't lying next to him in his usual position; entangled in Sebastian with his head tucked under the taller boy's chin. It took Sebastian a few moments to register this before sighing and moving from the bed. _It must have been that time of the month. _

Sebastian shuffled into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, deciding he couldn't make his hair look any better; her threw on his glasses and made his exit.

"123… Tuesday… I'm coming down soon I promise… Alright…" Sebastian picked Kurt up and set him down on his lap in one swift motion causing a laugh from Kurt. "_stop."_ He whispered raising his eyebrows.

Seb raised his hands in agreement and kissed Kurt's lips quickly. "Yes, okay dad, I miss you too; Alright bye." He hung up the phone and turned toward his boyfriend.

"My dad's fine, Finn's fine, Carol's fine." He got up and moved toward the kitchen. "What do you want for breakfast, I was thinking I stop at vogue for a bit after and we can spend the rest of the day together."

"Kurt," He shuffled over to the pale boy and wrapped his arms around him. "You should fly down and see them soon."

He turned to face Sebastian and threaded his finger through his hair. "Not yet Ok, not till the school year is over and I know Blaine is gone."

Sebastian roughly slammed his hands on the counter and bit his lip. "Why does that asshole affect you so much?"

"He doesn't… Ok, he does, but he was my first everything, he kind of always will."

"Well forget about him."

Kurt looked hurt. "What do you think I have been trying to do? I'm gaining weight; I'm seeing a therapist; I got a job, I am doing all I can, but some scars go deep okay." He shuffled away from the younger boy. "Eggs and bacon good with you, good." He began looking through the fridge.

"I'm sorry but it kind of sucks to be in a relationship with you and always know someone else is more important."

"He's not, you mean everything okay, it's just, I can't forget everything he has done to me so quickly, and I want to hate him, I want to forget but I can't do that."

"Then were going to see him, no, you're going to see him…"

"What!"

"You need the closure Kurt, and you will never be happy until you have that."

Kurt looked completely struck. "But what if, what if I go back to him…"

"Then you go back; then we weren't meant to be; but you won't do that, I sure hope not."

* * *

Blaine's POV

Who in the hell knocks on someone's door at 3 in the morning. I shuffled down my steps slowly, if they made the effort to come here they can make the effort to wait.

"IM COMING."

Of course my dad wasn't here and my mom was knocked out drunk somewhere so I was left to get my ass up and answer this.

"Who is-" I stopped mid-sentence after seeing who was at my door.

"Hi." He said lowly; he was scared, even after all this time he was still scared of me.

"Hi."

"Your parent's home?"

I shook my head silently and moved out the way so he could come in.

"I won't be long, and sorry for coming her at this hour, my plane leaves in 2 hours and I had to make this stop while I was still here."

The room filled with uncomfortable silence. "You ripped my heart out you know." I smirked and leaned against the marble counter top. "Yet I'm really fucking proud of you,"

"I'm proud of myself."

"You look great by the way." I complemented on his new size. "You never had any fat before."

"Look Blaine, I don't even really know why I'm here but… what you did to me really sucked you know, and no matter what I do or where I go I always remember it."

"You want me to say sorry?"

He look conflicted before shaking his head. "Not unless you feel the need to."

"Well, sorry?"

"Don't worry, I didn't come here for that, its people like you who make people like me feel like they deserve nothing you know. I might deserve an apology but I don't want it, because it won't mean anything to you. I came here to prove to myself I guess… to prove I never needed you to make me happy."

"So you came to rub it in my face." I laughed. "Because there are plenty more idiots like you out there." I need to learn to shut up.

This caused him to laugh loudly, loudly enough that it could have woken my mom from her alcohol induced coma. "I don't care about what you do Blaine! For once this isn't about you, I came here because I wanted to know I could be around you and not fall into that state of psychotic but now I see I'm way more stable without you."

He lifted up his shirt to show me bruises and cuts scattered across his back that made me jump a little.

"Don't worry, they weren't all you, they were people you hired, and the rest were se_lf-inflicted." _The word rolling of his tongue like water.

"You never told me about that…"

"Don't try and play dumb, you knew exactly what I was doing, and you knew exactly what you were doing."

"Maybe." I sighed, somewhat coming to terms with my actions but in no way was I giving him that full satisfactory.

"YOU BROKE ME YOU _ASSHOLE_, AND I RAN BACK LIKE AN IDIOT BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED OR TOLD ME. But that was never the Kurt Hummel I was, and I'll never be that Kurt Hummel again, because I fucking deserve to be happy… and you do too."

He grabbed him coat and walked to the door before turning back again. "I'll see you in hell."

* * *

**A/N: ok that was short I know but it was supposed to be, the next chapter will be the last (eternal tears) but I just want to thank you all for reading this, even if you only tolerated it because you had nothing better to do, it honestly mean the world to me. **

**SUPER plot twist next chapter, NO EPILOUGE, and if you don't cry next chapter you are a heartless cold fuck and you should be ashamed (not really) **

**Reviews and follows are lovely and I will see you all in about 2 weeks. **

**(also the last episode of glee… OK)**

**Adios- RadHadder**


	18. Black and White

**QUICK AUTHORS NOTE: I decided this was the epilogue, even though I could make it the last chapter, it just would make more sense for it to be, right… yeah ok, now story.**

* * *

Epilogue.

"I think you would be rather interested in the new magazine headlines Mr. Smythe." Sebastian's butler says, handing him a magazine.

"Thank you, Harvey." He smiled and relaxed into his seat.

Sebastian had aged quite well by 26, rich, gorgeous, and finally not the stuck up asshole he was. Many people didn't know what finally changed him, but Sebastian knew good and well. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed before turning the magazine over and reading the front cover.

_What drove Smythe's Husband to Suicide? _

This actually amused him slightly, to know what they would say in the article, because he could almost guarantee they had it wrong. Kurt killed himself, yes. But it wasn't because of the conspiracy's they had made in the reports; domestic violence, financial trouble, cancer, it was all slander. Sebastian wouldn't have laid a finger on Kurt, even after listening to him talk about his new fashion line, or arguing about who left the hairspray where. Nor was Sebastian anywhere remotely close to broke, in fact he would be a billionaire before the year ended, and cancer, well not yet at least, his family had a history, but he was clean of it so far.

Really only Sebastian knew what killed him, that's why he rarely cried about it. It was _their_ secret, they were still connect even if it wasn't at a physical level. If Sebastian was completely honest, he had known Kurt was going to kill himself before he turned 20; that's why he wrote everything down.

April 1st 2019,

I made this journal so that when I die you will know our story, and by our, I do mean mine and Kurt.

May 11th 2019,

Kurt made his first fashion line today, we celebrated with ice cream cake and footloose, Oh! And sex on our kitchen table but I didn't think that was all too important.

September 2nd 2019,

We moved to a little island above Iceland, surprisingly quite hot down here, but luckily not too hot, in Kurt's words "My people burn in the sunlight."

January 24th 2020,

Kurt made me leave the house all day, I was so pissed, I was just ready to tear of his head but then I realized he had spent all day cooking dinner for us because I had told him I was stressed out from my work. This followed with a 2 hour long message and falling asleep on top of me, forget our wedding, this is officially my favorite day.

February 14th 2020,

Valentine's day! Let's just say… you wouldn't want to know what I got Kurt.

July 21st 2020,

It's hot! I really have nothing to say, I just figured I should keep up on my original schedule of forgetting to write but remembering every 3 or so months.

November 9th 2020,

Kurt is mad at me, I guess it's my fault, getting drunk and doing some stupid shit.

November 10th2020,

You know what it's like to feel like a part of you is missing, neither did until now.

November 11th 2020,

Kurt hasn't spoken to me in 3 days, maybe I should see if he is okay.

November 12th 2020,

I looked for him, I can't find him, and so I may be gone for a few days.

November 19th 2020,

Guess who came back, I don't even mind that I got the silent treatment for 3 hours just to be yelled at for 2 more, there is nothing I'd rather have than Kurt.

January 15th 2021,

Kurt seems distant lately, I hope it's not time yet.

March 18th 2021,

Kurt is losing weight again, I can't make him eat, I can only watch.

June 17th 2021,

He told me it was time, he asked me to watch, but who could watch that?

June 18th 2021,

There is this saying that says you have to better before you get worse, I call that bullshit because it's not true. Happiness isn't defined by how low you get, but how hard you try to get back up. I want to say Kurt wanted to get up, but I'd be _lying._

Sebastian got up and locked his door before turning around and once again running his fingers through his hair. You see when he thought of him and Kurt he saw them as a ying yang sign; polar opposites yet they work so well together. If one part is missing both parts die, so Sebastian didn't think twice when he tiptoed up to the hang his neck over the rope and step slowly off the chair. He had positioned himself to be looking in the mirror, and even with the fire burning in his throat, on his face was a twisted smile. He always saw himself dying for Kurt, and now that's exactly what he was doing. He had left the notebook clear in sight knowing his butler would find it, with a small note on top stating simply "secrets make things dirty". He looked up to the mirror knowing he was riding on his last minutes of life. He focused on his eyes before he felt his body let go, then all in one they snapped shut. The last thing he saw before he died was a color, that color was _green._

* * *

**A/N: Kurt was sadly always supposed to die in this story, I thought about giving them a happy ending but I just didn't see that as their reality.**

**I should add another warning but I don't want to ruin the ending, so quickly I want to apologize if you were at all triggered by this story, I do not condone suicide.**

**Welp! It's been a journey,**

**Adios- RadHadder**


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